Personally, I don’t consider it all that strange to find a sexy message from “A Secret Lover” in my bulk e-mail folder. But that’s probably because whenever I get a sexy message from my wife, she sends it via bulk e-mail, too.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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When I got arrested, they told me, “Anything you say will be held against you.”
When I got arrested, they told me, “Anything you say will be held against you.” I said, “Claudia Schiffer’s boobs.”
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I wonder if before 007 was issued his license to kill, he had a learner’s permit to kill.
I wonder if before 007 was issued his license to kill, he had a learner’s permit to kill. Because that would be pretty embarrassing to have to have an older agent accompany you every time you have to shoot someone.
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If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t
If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?
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I think the very definition of “one of those days” is when you start your morning by
I think the very definition of “one of those days” is when you start your morning by mixing up your contacts with your electric shaver.
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I’d like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of light-years
I’d like to send a picture of myself to some distant star, thousands of light-years away, because by the time the aliens realize I’m mooning them, I’ll have been dead for centuries.
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You really can learn things in Lamaze classes.
You really can learn things in Lamaze classes. I learned that just because a video has a naked lady in it doesn’t mean that my “bawm-chick-a-bamp bamp” song is going to automatically get a laugh out of the room.
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Sometimes when I’m in a difficult situation I ask, “What Would Jesus Do?”
Sometimes when I’m in a difficult situation I ask, “What Would Jesus Do?” And always a little voice inside me answers, “Well, he probably wouldn’t try to cram *another* corpse into the crawl-space, moron.”
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Absolute power corrupts absolutely.
Absolute power corrupts absolutely. *Absolut* power, on the other hand, foolishly makes you believe there will be no repercussions for punching out your boss after that five-vodka-martini lunch.
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The warmth and comfort I feel when I wear my aviator jacket on cold winter days is just
The warmth and comfort I feel when I wear my aviator jacket on cold winter days is just enough to tip the balance away from the guilt I feel over those poor aviators who were killed for their pelts.
