Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit

    Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.

    He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.

    The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”

    Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.

    After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”

    “I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”

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  • A Bird With Long Legs and a Tight Pussy

    A guy walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat in tow. They take a seat and the man orders a round of drinks. The barman serves the guy but doesn’t say anything — just watches the guy with his ostrich and cat intently.

    A small argument breaks out between the man and the cat, with the cat flatly refusing to buy a round. So the man relents and goes to the bar, and the barman, his curiosity piqued, asks, “Hey mate, what’s with the ostrich and the cat?”

    The guy replies, “Well, I was walking down the street and I came across a magic lamp, so I gave it a rub and a genie appeared and granted me one wish.”

    The barman, fascinated, listens intently as the guy continues his story: “So with my one wish, I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy.”

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  • Sick of Them Horsing Around

    I told my kids to stop pretending to be farm animals.

    I was getting sick of them horsing around.

  • The Sparrow the Cow and the Cat

    Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.

    The moral:

    Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

    Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.

    If you’re in deep shit, don’t tweet about it.

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  • The Bilingual Dog Secretary

    The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.

    He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

    “Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”

    The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.

    The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:

    “That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”

    The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:

    “Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”

    The dog replied: “Meow.”

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  • The Safari and the Mother-in-Law

    Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.

    Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.

    Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.

    Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.

    The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.

    “What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.

    “Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”

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  • Two Dead Dogs

    Last week, my girlfriend’s dog died. So to cheer her up I bought her an identical one. She was livid.

    Yelled at me, “What the fuck am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

  • Little Johnny and the Word Fascinate

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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  • Horse Walks Into A Bar Hey Sure

    Horse Walks Into A Bar Hey Sure

    Horse walks into a bar.

    Bartender: Hey.

    Horse: Sure.