I bought some birdseed from Amazon, and the very next day they emailed asking for my feed back. Not cool.
Topic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
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Meals on Wheels
A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.
When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”
“Say no more,” God replied.
POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.
God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.
The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”
God smiled…
POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.
About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.
“Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”
The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”
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A Talking Pig
A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.
She read, “And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?’”
The teacher paused, then asked the class, “And what do you think the man said?”
One little boy raised his hand and said very matter of factly, “I think the man would have said, ‘Well, fuck me! A talking pig!’”
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Ask the Auctioneer If They Were All With the Same Cow
A couple went to an agricultural show on a fine Sunday afternoon and were watching the bull auction.
The auctioneer announced, “A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 57 times last year.”
The wife nudged her husband and said, “See! That was more than once a week!”
The second bull was brought up and the auctioneer said, “Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year.”
Again the wife nudged her husband. “Hey, that’s more than twice a week. What do you say to that?”
Her husband, getting really annoyed, still said nothing.
The third bull was brought up, and the auctioneer announced, “And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!”
The wife slapped her husband on the arm and shouted, “That’s once a day every day of the year! How about you?”
Her husband yelled back, “Sure, once a day! Great! But, ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!”
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Got Any Grapes
One day, a duck walks into a bar. He waddles up to the counter, hops onto a stool, and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender is surprised and says, “No, buddy. This is a bar. We only serve beer, whiskey, and peanuts here. No grapes.” The duck says, “Okay,” hops down, and leaves.
The next day at the same time, the duck comes back into the bar. He hops onto the stool and asks the bartender, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender gets a bit annoyed this time. “Look, little guy, I told you yesterday. We don’t have grapes! If you come back here asking for grapes again, I won’t let you in.” The duck says, “Okay,” and leaves.
The third day, the duck appears at the door again. He approaches the counter, looks the bartender in the eye, and asks, “Got any grapes?”
The bartender completely loses his temper. He slams his fist on the counter and yells, “That’s it! If you ask me for grapes one more time, I am going to nail your little webbed feet to this counter!”
The duck stares at the bartender for a few seconds, then quietly turns around and leaves.
The fourth day… the duck walks in once again. He calmly gets up on the stool, looks at the bartender, and asks, “Got any nails?”
The bartender takes a deep breath, confused, and says, “No, I don’t have any nails…”
The duck smiles and says, “Great! Got any grapes?”
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I Don’t Know How Much He Charges for Howard
A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy about 9 opened the door.
“Is your dad or your mum home?” asked the farmer.
“No, they went to town,” the boy replied.
“How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?”
“No, he went with mum and dad.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.
“I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or I can give dad a message,” said the boy.
“Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to your dad. It’s about your brother, Howard, getting my daughter Susie pregnant.”
The boy thought for a moment.
“You would have to talk to dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don’t know how much he charges for Howard.”
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A Ham-Brrr-Grrr
What do you call a pig that is cold and growling?
A Ham-Brrr-Grrr.
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Consumed by His Own Pride
Did you hear about the arrogant lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
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Before the Crowbar Was Invented
True fact:
Before the crowbar was invented…
…most crows drank at home.
