Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • Top 16 Reindeer Mob Nicknames

    16. Rudolph “Bloody Nose” Valentino

    15. Dancer “On Your Grave” Zamboni

    14. Rudolph “Red Light District” Gambini

    13. Dancer “Crazy Legs” Baryshnikov

    12. Dancer “With the Fishes” Rigatoni

    11. Prancer “The Florist” DiFlamingo

    10. Prancer “Twinkle Toes” Balleria

    9. Comet “The Cleaner” Colombo

    8. Cupid “Kiss of Death” Donnitelli

    7. Blitzen “The Mad Bavarian” Schultz

    6. Donner “Teflon Donner” Gotti

    5. Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani

    4. Donner “Party” Cannibali

    3. Dancer “Tiny” Eltonjohni

    2. Vixen “The Big Antler” De Luca

    And the number one Reindeer Mob nickname…

    1. Donner “Chimney Plugger” Terrazzo

  • The Lone Ranger’s Three Wishes

    The Lone Ranger is riding across the range when he gets captured by a group of Native Americans.

    The tribal leader shows the Lone Ranger his deepest respect, as the Ranger is considered an honorable man. He offers the Ranger three wishes before he is to be put to death by fire.

    The Ranger calls for his faithful horse, Silver, and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse rides off into the distance and a short time later returns with a beautiful blonde riding in his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed and offers his personal tent to the Ranger. After some time in the tent, the Ranger emerges and asks for his horse again. He whispers in the horse’s ear, and Silver darts off into the distance. This time, Silver returns with a beautiful brunette on his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed yet again and gestures toward his tent. Once the Ranger emerges from the tent, he asks to see his horse one last time.

    The Ranger slaps Silver as hard as he can and says, “Read my lips, you stupid horse! I said POSSE!”

  • Only time would tell

    The frogs looked real. In fact, I was sure they were. But could they play those little musical instruments, especially burdened by that patina of lacquer inhibiting their movement? Only time would tell, and I had all night.

  • Under a buck

    What’s the difference between a beer nut and a deer nut?
    A bowl of beer nuts is about $1.80, but you can always find a deer nut under a buck.

  • It’s pasture bedtime

    I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.”

    Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?”

    I chuckled, “Well, that means…”
    “It’s pasture bedtime!”

  • Bearly A Joke: Legal Trouble in the Woods

    An American lawyer and his Czech brother-in-law are on a hunting vacation in Canada.

    As they exit their tent, they run into a male and female bear in the middle of an intimate moment. Enraged at the interruption, the male bear roars, rears up, and, with a sudden pounce, swallows the lawyer’s brother-in-law whole!

    The American runs for help, calling out for their Canadian ranger guide, who shows up with his hunting rifle. The American points at the male bear and says, “Quick! Shoot him, but be careful—my brother-in-law’s inside his belly!”

    The ranger levels his hunting rifle, takes aim, and shoots the female bear dead! Startled by the shot, the male bear runs off.

    The American falls to his knees, looks at the Canadian, and asks, “Why did you shoot the wrong bear?”

    The ranger scoffs and says, “Did you really expect me to believe a lawyer who tells me the Czech is in the male?”

  • He was a good buoy

    Did you hear about the dog who was floating in the ocean?
    He was a good buoy…

  • Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm

    A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.

    Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.

    The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”

    So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”

    So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”

    So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.