Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • Seagulls or Bagels? A Silly Dilemma!

    Why won’t seagulls fly over the bay?
    Because then they’d be bagels.

  • Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!

    A woman had a male parrot for a pet, but he always embarrassed her whenever she brought a man home. As soon as she walked in with someone, the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    Finally, in desperation, the woman went to her local pet shop and asked the owner for advice.

    “You need a female parrot to keep him company,” said the proprietor. “I can order one for you. In the meantime, you can borrow this female owl until she arrives.”

    The woman took the owl home and placed it near her parrot. The parrot just stared at the owl in silence.

    That night, she brought a gentleman friend back to her apartment. As soon as they walked in, the parrot screeched, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

    The owl blinked and asked, “Who? Who?”

    And the parrot shouted, “Not you, you big-eyed bitch!”

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  • Killer Whales: Masters of the Ocean Performance!

    Do you know what’s great about orcas?
    They do a killer whale impression.

  • GrandDad’s Farm: Cows, Chickens, and Last Laughs

    My GrandDad’s last words before he bought the farm:

    ”Now we’re gonna have to get some cows and chickens.”

  • Lawyers vs. Catfish: A Scummy Comparison!

    What’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

    One is a lowdown scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

  • Trying to sell a dog

    A guy walks into a bar with a sad look on his face.

    A regular sees him and says “Hey guy, you doing alright?”

    “I’m doing terrible” the guys says “I’m having money troubles and the only option I got left is to sell my beloved dog. So, I’m just traveling around town asking if anyone wants to buy him off me. He’s in the car now.”

    “I’m sorry to hear that” says the regular, “what are you asking for him?”

    “500 dollars” the man says.

    “Whoa that’s a lot of money for a dog” the regular says

    “Well, it’s like that dog is a part of my family. He’s the gentlest, sweetest dog you’ve ever seen. He never barks, unless there is an intruder, in which case he turns into the meanest SOB that ever lived. When he needs to go, he’ll just nudge your leg once or twice and then sit by the door and wait till you’re ready to let him out. My kids and wife love him, and are going to hate me for selling him, but I don’t have any other options.”

    The regular says “well jeez, guy. If the dog is that good, I’ll take him. I’d be happy to help you out”

    A year later the man walks into the bar again.

    This time the regular is there again, but he screams “YOU! YOU SOLD ME THAT GOOD FOR NOTHIN’ SON OF A BITCH DOG. That dog does nothing but shit all over the house. He barks constantly, and tries to bite my wife and kids every chance he gets. I swear to god the day I bought that dog was the last good day I’ve had!”

    The man looks at the regular, smiles, and says “Mister… you’re never ever gonna sell that dog if you keep talking about him like that”

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  • Serpentine Shenanigans: A Barroom Surprise!

    A snake walks into a bar, the bartender says “How the hell did you do that?”

  • Bears and Bees: An Unlikely Connection

    What would bears be without bees?

    Ears

  • Visiting the Zoo

    A family is visiting the zoo.

    While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”

    “That’s his trunk,” she replies.

    “No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”

    “Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.

    “No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.

    Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”

    Confused, the boy turns to his father.

    “Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”

    The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”

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  • Little Johnny and Cows

    Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.

    Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
    Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”

    Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”

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