Topic: animals

Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.

  • The Talking Cow and the Carburetor

    There was a salesman whose car broke down on a country road. He opened the hood and was looking at the engine trying to figure what was wrong.

    All of a sudden he hears a voice say, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He looks around and there is only a cow in the area. Looking back at the engine he hears the voice say again, “It’s the carburetor.”

    He realizes it’s the cow! He asks the cow to speak again and the cow obliges, “I’ve told you twice it’s the carburetor.”

    The salesman runs down the road, finds a farmer and says excitedly, “That cow in the field over there can talk! It was telling me what’s wrong with my car!”

    The farmer looks at the salesman and says, “Don’t pay any attention to that cow, it doesn’t know anything about cars.”

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  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

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  • The Gorilla and the Lion at the Safari Camp

    A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

    The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some khakis that are hung out to dry, and puts on pants, a shirt, and a hat. He sits on a chair by the campfire and grabs a copy of the local paper, pretending to read, to hide his face.

    The lion enters the campsite and lets out a huge roar. He yells, “Did anyone see a gorilla run through here?”

    The gorilla, in full disguise, calls out, “You mean the one that fucked the lion up the ass?”

    The lion exclaims, “Oh my gosh! It’s in the paper already?”

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  • The Smartest Pig in the World

    A journalist heard about an incredibly smart pig out in the country, so he decided to go and check it out.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He arrives at the farm and meets the owner.
    “I’ve heard your pig is exceptionally intelligent,” the journalist says. “Could you tell me why?”

    “Well, I’ll tell ya,” the farmer replies. “The other day, my pregnant wife’s water broke all of a sudden. The pig saw it happen. He ran out into the yard, saw me working out in the field, and jumped up on the tractor. He started the engine and leaned on the horn as hard as he could. I heard the racket, rushed back to the house, and was able to get my wife to the hospital just in time.”

    “Wow, that’s truly impressive!” says the journalist.

    “Oh, but it gets even crazier! The other day, I was working on the grain auger. I don’t know what happened, but I must not have turned the tractor off right, because the auger started spinning. My hand got caught in it, and it started pulling me in. I thought for sure I was gonna lose my arm. But then, that pig came charging out. He jumped into the tractor, cut the ignition, and ran over to pull me free. Once my hand was out—it was pretty banged up—he reached into my pocket, grabbed my phone in his mouth, and I don’t know how he did it, but he dialed 911. I was able to talk to the paramedics; they got here fast and saved my arm.”

    Stunned, the journalist asks to see the pig.

    The farmer leads him over to the pen and shows him a pig with only three legs.

    The journalist, totally baffled, asks: “Wait, why does he only have three legs?”

    “Well, heck!” the farmer says. “A pig that smart? You don’t eat him all at once!”

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  • The Horse Buyer With a Lisp

    This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.

    He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”

    The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.

    Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”

    The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.

    Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”

    The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.

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  • The Catholic Dog

    A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.

    The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”

    Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

    Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”

    Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”

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  • Bread in Captivity

    I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.

    They were all bread in captivity.

  • Chess With the Cat

    I was visiting the house of a distant cousin when I saw that he was playing chess with his cat…

    I said that it had to be the most intelligent cat ever.

    My cousin replied, “Absolutely not! She has lost all her matches!”

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  • The Penfish Is Even Mightier

    The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from…

    …except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.

  • The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel

    A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.

    The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”

    The woman burst into tears.

    The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”

    The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”

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