A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink…
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTopic: animals
Animal jokes, pet memes, wildlife weirdness, and creature-based chaos for anyone who suspects nature has been trolling us this whole time.
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The Horse Buyer With a Lisp
This guy with a lisp goes to buy a horse.
He asks the farmer, “Can I thee her walk?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he pats the horse’s rear to make it walk.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her wun?”
The farmer says, “Sure.” And he slaps the horse’s rear to make it run.
Then the guy asks, “Can I thee her twot?”
The farmer says, “Um, sure?” And he lifts the horse’s tail.
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The Catholic Dog
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”
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Bread in Captivity
I went to the zoo last week. The first exhibit was a ciabatta, the second a baguette, and the third a brioche.
They were all bread in captivity.
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The Penfish Is Even Mightier
The swordfish has no natural predators to fear from…
…except the penfish, which is supposed to be even mightier.
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The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
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You Wanted Me to Say Shingles
A man claims he has the smartest dog in the world. His friend doesn’t believe him.
“Prove it,” the friend says.
The man points to his dog and says, “Go get me something to eat.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a sandwich.
“Lucky guess,” says the friend.
The man tries again: “Go get me something to drink.”
The dog runs off and comes back with a soda.
The friend is impressed but still skeptical.
“Alright… ask him something harder.”
The man nods and says, “What’s on top of a house?”
The dog barks, “Roof!”
The friend laughs. “That’s it? Any dog could do that!”
The dog looks at him and says, “You wanted me to say shingles?”
