Dark humor jokes, memes, dark humor, awkward moments, and weird little disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
Two female police dog handlers are walking their dogs.
One says to the other, “I left my panties at the police station.”
The other says, “Let the dog have a whiff of your minge and he’ll go and fetch them.”
Fifteen minutes later, the dog returns with her panties, her baton, a broomhandle and two of the inspector’s fingers.
My grandfather said he’d never move into a retirement home.
He said, “Too expensive… and the food tastes like someone boiled sadness.”
Instead, he checked into a beachfront hotel.
We asked, “Grandpa, isn’t that even more expensive?”
He smiled and said, “Not really.
At the retirement home, I’d pay $200 a day for cold meatloaf and no visitors.
But here? For $150 a day, I get ocean views, room service, fresh towels, a pool…
…and suddenly all my grandkids remember I exist every weekend.”
Then he leaned back in his chair and delivered the final line like a mob boss:
“And if I die in the hotel lobby, the manager will actually look disappointed.
But at the nursing home? They just call it Tuesday.”
Did you hear about the arrogant cannibal who started eating his own arms and legs?
He was so full of himself.
A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…
“Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”
“Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.
The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”
“Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.
The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”
The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”
Doc: I have bad news and really bad news… the bad news is your baby is just an ear… a 6-pound 5-ounce baby ear. No arms or legs or head… just an ear.
But that’s not the worst part…. He’s DEAF!
