Dentist: When was the last time you flossed?
Me: Bro, you were THERE.
Topic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
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It Looks Like You’re Pregnant
it looks like you’re pregnant
I’m pregnant?!
No, but it looks like you are.
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Double or Nothing
A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.
One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.
Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.
“My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”
The doubles collectively sigh with relief.
Then a big man with an axe enters the room.
“Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”
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Handshake Alternatives: Docking
CORONAVIRUS (COVID-19) HANDSHAKE ALTERNATIVES
THE BUMP
THE BOW
DOCKING
THE FOOT TAP
de.gov/coronavirus
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Hit the Ball, Drag Walter
A man goes golfing every Sunday morning and is usually home in time for lunch. Until one Sunday when his wife found herself waiting well past noon with no sign of her elderly husband. She wrapped up his lunch and put it in the fridge to stay fresh, busying herself with chores and growing more anxious as the afternoon wore on.
Finally, he pulled into the driveway and she ran out to meet him. “Where have you been?” she asked.
“Well, Walter had a heart attack on the third hole,” he replied. “Just keeled over and died right there on the spot!”
“Oh no, that’s terrible!” the wife exclaimed.
“Yeah, so for the whole rest of the day it was ‘hit the ball, drag Walter. Hit the ball, drag Walter…’”
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Skinhead? It’s Leukemia
YOU’RE A SKINHEAD YOU BITCH
NO DAD, IT’S LEUKEMIA
LEUK-WHAT? STOP SPEAKING GERMAN YOU FUCKING NAZI
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The Golfing Widower
Jim and Bob are golfing together on a Sunday morning. They’re both on the green, which is near a county highway.
As Jim lines up his putt, a funeral procession goes by on the highway. Jim immediately stops, takes off his hat and bows his head.
Bob is impressed. “Wow, Jim. That’s really a profound sign of respect. I’m impressed.”
Jim answers, “Well, Bob. We were married for 41 years. It’s the least I could do.”
