Topic: death

Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.

  • Well the One I Fucked Did

    Well the One I Fucked Did

  • Heavenly Lines and Unholy Punchlines

    An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

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    The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

    God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

    The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

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  • Deadly Green Furry Pool Table Surprise!

    What’s green and furry and has four legs and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, you’ll die?
    A pool table.

  • Two hunters

    Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

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    The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

    The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

    There was a pause… then two gunshots.

    The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

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  • The last soup

    As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

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    The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

    The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

    The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

    “Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

    Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

    “I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

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  • An artist needed glasses…

    An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

    An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

    Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

    The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

    “So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

    The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

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  • Trycocksagain: A New Hope for Lesbians

    The FDA just approved a medication for lesbians with depression.
    It’s called Trycocksagain.

  • Taste Test: Comedy on the Menu!

    Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer.
    Cannibal 1: Does this taste funny to you?
    Cannibal 2: No

  • Clowning Around with Cannibal Comedy

    Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
    One turns to the other and says, “Hey, I think we got the joke wrong.”

  • Pandemic Punchline: A Sick Joke?

    COVID, AIDS, and the Flu walk into a bar.
    The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this, some kind of sick joke?”