Topic: death

Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.

  • Stop Visiting Those Painful Places!

    I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.
    He told me to stop going to those places.

  • How is he?

    “Doctor, how is he?”

    “Well, he’s had a massive heart attack, and also sustained some bone fractures.”

    “Can I talk to him?”

    “No, unfortunately, that’s not possible right now. But if you want to tell him anything, I can pass it along.”

    “Could you ask him if I passed my driving test?”

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  • Terrible venereal disease

    A guy gets a terrible venereal disease.

    Doctor: “Listen, I’ve got bad news, there’s no way we can save your genitals. You’ll need to get them amputated.”

    Patient: “I demand a second opinion.”

    Doctor 2: “Oh yeah, my colleague is way off base, no need to amputate.”

    Patient: “Whew, thank you!”

    Doctor 2: “Yeah, if you just wait a few weeks it’ll fall off on its own.”

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  • You are a very sick man

    A doctor says grimly to a patient, “You are a very sick man. You’ve been diagnosed with covid, monkey pox, swine flu, Ebola, and bubonic plague all at the same time.”

    “Is there anything that can be done to help me?” asks the patient.

    “Amazingly, there is though it may be touch and go,” says the doctor nervously. “First, we’ll put you in a private room where you’ll have everything you need to be as relaxed and comfortable as possible. Next, we’ll put you on a diet of pancakes, pizza and flounder.”

    “Okay…” says the patient, “But why pancakes, pizza and flounder?”

    “Because,” the doctor says, “That’s the only food we can push under your door.”

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  • A guy goes to the doctor

    A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”

    The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”

    He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”

    The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”

    The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”

    The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”

    The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”

    The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”

    The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”

    Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”

    The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”

    The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”

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  • An EpiPen Legacy: Love Beyond Allergies

    I inherited an EpiPen from my grandfather. He wanted me to get it. That was his dying wish.

    Weird, I know, I’m not even allergic.

  • Grandpa’s Last Laugh: The Shaky Ladder Lesson

    I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me:

    “Stop shaking that ladder, you little jerk!”

  • Sleep Peacefully, Not Screaming!

    I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!

  • Kickin’ the Bucket: Grandpa’s Final Laugh

    I’ll never forget my Grandfather’s final words before he kicked the bucket.

    He said “How far do you think I can kick this bucket?”

  • Nobody likes lawyers

    A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see jogging on the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer jogging along the street, he would swerve to hit him. After hearing the loud “THUD,” he would swerve back on the road.

    One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he stopped to pick him up

    The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued driving. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer jogging up ahead, and immediately regretted picking up the priest. “Surely I can’t run over a lawyer with a priest in the truck!” he thought.

    Then he had an idea. He would pretend to fall asleep. The driver pretended to nod off, the truck drifted to the right, and he heard that satisfying “Thud.”

    “Did I hit that lawyer? Did I hit that lawyer?” the truck driver asked, pretending to wake up suddenly.

    “No,” said the priest. “But I got him with the door.”

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