I CAN’T BREATHE
Just Unbutton your Pants
Topic: death
Death jokes, funeral humor, grim memes, and mortality-themed laughs for anyone coping with existence through deeply inappropriate timing.
-
Constipated Memory
Constipated woman ‘lost 10 years of memory’ after straining too hard on toilet
me coming out of the chipotle bathroom:
I have no memory of this place.
-
Devil Chef Celery
For our patrons!
A Devil Chef Health Tip!
Enjoy Celery
Nature’s Toothbrush For Your Colon!
Fiber Rich!
Packed with Vitamins!
Ribbed for Xtra Pleasure!
Ooh LaLa!
-
Folgers Crystals for the Blood Bank
I’ve been saving up all my picked-off scabs in little bags, just in case the local blood bank needs some Folgers crystals.
-
Dead Cat’s Legs Point Toward Heaven Joke
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.
Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”
“Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.
-
Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch
Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.
A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.
He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.
“That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.
Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”
-
Except a Crippling Illness
Whatever doesn’t kill me only makes me stronger. Except a crippling illness that leaves me comatose and on a respirator, that is.
-
Energizer Bunny Dies From Backwards Battery Mishap
I’m saddened to announce the passing of The Energizer Bunny.
AP August 22, 1996 – The Energizer Bunny, known best for “going and going and going…” passed away last evening at 12:42am. Upon completion of the autopsy early this morning, the chief medical examiner ruled that the death was caused by acute cardiac arrest, induced by sexual over-stimulation. Apparently, someone put the battery in backwards and the bunny kept coming and coming and coming…
Foul play has not been ruled out.
-
Weekend at Tut’s
When a pharaoh died, I bet the servants tried all sorts of tricks to make people think he was just sleeping, because of the tradition of burying the servants alive with the pharaoh to serve him in the afterlife. Kind of a whole “Weekend at Tut’s” thing.
