I’ll never forget my grandfather’s last words to me:
“Stop shaking that ladder, you little jerk!”
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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Sleep Peacefully, Not Screaming!
I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!
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Little Johnny refused to study math
Little Johnny refused to study math so his parents decided to put him in Catholic school and let the nuns fix the situation. Sure enough, Johnny came home after her very first day and went straight to his room to work on his math homework. Right after dinner, he went back to his room to study math, right up to bedtime. And even after bedtime, his parents found him working on math problems with a flashlight under his blanket.
The next morning, while Johnny was working on math problems over breakfast, his baffled parents asked him why his new school had changed his attitude towards math so quickly. He answered with a terrified whisper:
“When the nuns took us to chapel, I saw the guy they nailed to the plus sign…. I knew they weren’t joking around.”
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Ants in Pants vs. Uncles: Who’s Worse?
What’s worse than ants in your pants?
Uncles.
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Mother-in-Law Showdown: Whose Is Nicer?
My wife accused me of liking my relatives more than hers. I told her that was absolutely not true.
I thought her mother-in-law was much nicer than mine.
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Potential vs Reality
A son tells his father he has a homework assignment due, and he can’t figure out how to complete it. The task is to explain the difference between theory and reality.
The father instructs him: “Go ask your mom if she would have sex with a stranger for $1,000,000.”
The mom says yes.
Then the father tells him to ask his sister the same question.
She also says yes.
The father says, “There. You figured out the assignment. In theory, we live with two millionaires. In reality, we live with two sluts.”
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Visiting the Zoo
A family is visiting the zoo.
While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”
“That’s his trunk,” she replies.
“No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”
“Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.
“No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.
Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”
Confused, the boy turns to his father.
“Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”
The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”
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Pregnant while in a coma
A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: ….Denephew.
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Family Act
A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”
They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.
When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”
The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”
