Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • How is your mother-in-law?

    I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

    I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

    Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

    Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

    A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

    I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

    He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”

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  • How’d you get the black eye?

    Two men are sitting next to each other on a train, both sporting black eyes. Naturally curious, the first man looks at the other and says, “So, how’d you get the black eye?”
    The other man replies, “Well, it was a Freudian slip.”
    “What’s that?” the first asks.
    “It’s when you mean to say one thing, but you accidentally say another that reveals what you’re really thinking,” explains the second.
    The first man nods. “Oh. So what happened?”
    “Well,” says the second, “I was buying my ticket for the train, and the woman at the counter had the biggest boobs I’d ever seen. So when I meant to say ‘two tickets to Pittsburgh,’ I accidentally said ‘two pickets to Tittsburgh’—hence the black eye.”
    The first guy laughs and says, “That’s funny, something similar happened to me. This morning, I was eating breakfast with my wife, and I meant to say ‘could you pass the jam,’ but I accidentally said, ‘you ruined my life, you stupid bitch!’”

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  • From Chicken to Commitment: A Love Story

    Five years ago I started a game of Gay Chicken with my friend.
    Now we own a dog together, we moved to Vermont to start a cute little bed and breakfast, and we’re thinking of adopting a kid. If he doesn’t give up soon, I think he might actually be gay.

  • A Weighty Memory: Words That Stick

    Tell your wife she looks great 100 times and she won’t remember. Tell her once that she needs to lose weight and she’ll remember forever.
    Because an elephant never forgets.

  • Size Matters: Love, Laughter, and Wardrobe Woes

    You know how your girlfriend is getting fat?
    She fits your wife’s clothes.

  • Water Woes: A Card for Kindness

    My neighbor told me he couldn’t pay his water bill.
    I sent him a “Get well soon” card.

  • A guy goes to the doctor

    A guy goes to the doctor and says “Doc, I feel really terrible the last day or two. My entire body aches, my vision and hearing are failing, I’m completely fatigued, and just feeling malaise overall.”

    The doctor says “We’re going to run some tests on you, come back tomorrow for the results.”

    The guy comes back the next day and the doctor says, “I have some very bad news. Please sit down.”

    He continues, “You have an extraordinarily rare disease, we believe it’s virus, but it’s so rare it doesn’t even have a name yet. This illness is ravaging your whole body – the nervous system, respiratory system, cardiovascular system, digestive system, reproductive system, all of the systems in your body are shutting down quite rapidly. The entire medical field is confounded by the sudden onset of this disease, and so far, researchers have found no treatment or cure. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you have about 3 days to live, maybe less.”

    The man slumps over, fully in shock, and says “Oh my God, Doc. This can’t be happening. I’m young, I have a family, I have so much to live for. Is there ANYTHING that can be done?”

    The doc replies, “Again, and I’m so sorry to say this, but there is nothing we can do. You will be dead within days.”

    The man begins to shake and weep, crying “Please, doc, I have a wife and two young children. I can’t do this to them. My babies can’t grow up without a father. And my wife is the kindest, most loving person I’ve ever met, and neither of us have any living family members left. I can’t bear the thought of leaving her alone in the world to try and care for our children.”

    The man then begins to loudly sob, “PLEASE, doc, I’m BEGGING YOU, is there ANYTHING that can be done? An experimental drug or treatment? PLEASE, I will try ANYTHING!”

    The doctor says, “Well, there is one treatment I’ve heard about. I cannot vouch for it and I don’t believe there’s any research showing any efficacy.”

    The man’s eyes widen and he asks, “PLEASE TELL ME!”

    Doctor says, “Okay, there is a holistic spa just across town. This spa offers a unique type of mud bath, not unlike a mud mask used for skin care, except it is applied to the entire body. The mud is actually a type of mineral-rich clay that is only found in two areas of the world. If you leave my office right now, you should be able to get there in about five minutes and undergo the treatment.”

    The man asks through tears, “Is there a chance I will get better?”

    The doctor says, “No, but it will help you start getting used to the dirt.”

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  • A man reaches the age of 100

    A man reaches the age of 100 and a news crew goes to see what his secret to long life is. The neighbor kids say “He’s always drinking on his front porch.” The local police say “we always have to pick him up from the bars for fighting.” The butcher says “He eats a pound of bacon from my store every day!” Finally they go to his house to interview him.

    Sure enough, his front lawn is strewn with cigarette butts and beer cans. The old man comes to the door, his face weathered and brown, with nicotine stains on his teeth, and the smell of bacon wafting out the door. But he’s walking, just a little slow, but really well for a 100 year old man.

    “Sir, how did you manage to live so long? It sounds like you have so many unhealthy habits, is there anything special you do?”.

    “Well, first, I bribed the pension office to say I was 75, so I could retire at 30. That was about thirty years ago.”

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  • An EpiPen Legacy: Love Beyond Allergies

    I inherited an EpiPen from my grandfather. He wanted me to get it. That was his dying wish.

    Weird, I know, I’m not even allergic.

  • GrandDad’s Farm: Cows, Chickens, and Last Laughs

    My GrandDad’s last words before he bought the farm:

    ”Now we’re gonna have to get some cows and chickens.”