Yet another manifestation of the Creator’s wicked sense of humor: MY genitalia does not get 25% larger each time we have a kid.
Topic: family
Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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When I visited sick kids as a baseball player, I always promised them I’d hit one or two
When I visited sick kids as a baseball player, I always promised them I’d hit one or two bars before the game and knock down a few beers.
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One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified
One reason I like Halloween so much is that I really get off on the genuinely horrified reaction from kids with my “sawing off my forearm with an electric carving knife” shtick — at least until I pass out from the voluminous loss of blood and all.
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Took the kids up to Nantucket one weekend for the Limerick Festival.
Took the kids up to Nantucket one weekend for the Limerick Festival. Boy, was that a mistake.
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You might think your kids hate bath time, but I guarantee you don’t have it half as bad
You might think your kids hate bath time, but I guarantee you don’t have it half as bad as the Wicked Witch of the West’s parents did. R.M. Weinter/@rmfnord
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The hardest thing about the holidays is having to listen while Santa has sex with my wife.
The hardest thing about the holidays is having to listen while Santa has sex with my wife. Sure, you might think it’s just some guy in a Santa suit, but I know it’s really Santa because he always gives me a bottle of vodka with a bow on it after he’s done.
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I was a bed wetter when I was a little kid, but I did it on purpose.
I was a bed wetter when I was a little kid, but I did it on purpose. I figured that even a monster wouldn’t want to live under a mattress that smells like piss.
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Maybe if we made kids color inside the lines instead of allowing this expressionist BS,
Maybe if we made kids color inside the lines instead of allowing this expressionist BS, they’d be able to park in a space when they grew up.
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Don’t get me wrong, I love watching kids grow up.
Don’t get me wrong, I love watching kids grow up. It’s just that some of them are creeped out by a guy staring at the top of their heads. /@b0nrmunky
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When the dude banging on my door yelled “Is that my wife in there?”
When the dude banging on my door yelled “Is that my wife in there?” I had to ask “What’s her name?” Hey, with 4 billion women on the planet, what were the odds?
