Topic: family

Family jokes, awkward relatives, domestic chaos, and bloodline-based nonsense from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • $chool and kNOwledge

    Sam went away to school. A month later, he mailed a letter to his mother:

    Dear Mom,

    $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I’m acing $pani$h and Economic$, and I $pend hour$ in the $ocial $cience$ department. $ociology i$ intere$ting!

    Ju$t off I can’t think of anything I wi$h for, but it would be $uper nice if you could ju$t $end me a card, a$ you know I would alway$ love to hear from you.

    Love and ki$$e$,
    your $on, $am

    His mother wrote back:

    Dear Sammy,

    I kNOw ecoNOmics, astroNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are more than eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love, your mom

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  • DNA Results Not Your Brother

    DNA Results Not Your Brother

    “The DNA results confirm that not everyone is your brother”

  • Granny Watching You Squirt

    Granny Watching You Squirt

    Your granny watching you squirt all over the blanket she knitted

  • Your Mom Chocolate Bars

    Your Mom Chocolate Bars

    Your mom after I buy $4 worth of chocolate bars for your little league fundraiser

  • Disabled Porn

    A guy takes his wife and two small kids on a driving vacation, and checks into a cheap motel. He asks the clerk, “For the sake of our kids’ TV viewing, can we have the porn disabled?”

    The clerk responds, “Who the hell would make their kids watch disabled porn, you sick bastard?”

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  • My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex

    My parents are very asexual. I swear the only times they had sex were when I was conceived, when my sister was conceived, and that time Dad shot me in my still-developing fetal eye.

  • Your Mom Won’t Gag

    Your Mom Won’t Gag

    Doctor: This COVID test may make you gag…

    Your mom: It won’t

  • A Count or a Cunt

    A kid went away to college and grew a goatee, and was very proud of it. He took a selfie and sent it to his dad with a note:

    “This makes me look rather like a count, does it not?”

    Dad turns to mom and says, “Kid’s grown a beard, but still can’t spell.”

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  • This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    This Thing Almost Killed My Grandma

    Ok. First off, THIS THING IS HUGE!!! I didn’t realize it when ordering. But When every one left the house one day I decided to give it the old college try. The suction cup works well, I had it stuck to my bedroom door. Ok, so when trying to use this it was really big and awkward. I was trying to back against it slowly letting my butt hole adjust to the massive width. I had my I-Pod Listening to “Eye of the Tiger” trying to get pumped for the whole thing. Well I didn’t hear my grandmother come home early and apparently i was making some noise rocking back on this Mega-Dong mounted to the door, and singing along to The Theme Song to Rocky. Well my Grandma comes to investigate and jerks my door open, which snatched the toy out of my butt bringing my sphincter with it. My grandmother Freaks and Slams the Door which POWER DRIVES this thing Up my anus all the way to the base. I’m Screaming in pain, and My grandmother is yelling holding her chest. Next thing I know she collapses. So there I am with a Bleeding, Prolapsed Butt hole and my grandma on the floor. I’m in so much pain and am freaking out worrying that I’ve killed her. So I crawled over to her and pushed her life alert button to send the paramedics, one of which was a new guy and when I tried explaining the story he literally pissed on himself laughing. Anyway they popped an ammonia capsule and brought my grandmother back. She seems ok but we haven’t made eye contact for 2 weeks and my butt is a little worse for wear. And when I fart now, it sounds like a Peterbilt 379 releasing its air brakes

  • Plant Your Potatoes, Dad

    An old farmer wrote to his son in prison.

    “This year I won’t be able to plant potatoes because I can’t dig the field. I know if you were here you would help me.”

    The son wrote back, “Dad, don’t even think of digging the field because that’s where I buried the money I stole.”

    Police read the letter and the very next day the whole field was dug up by the police looking for the money, but nothing was found.

    The next day the son wrote again, “Now plant your potatoes, Dad. It’s the best I can do from here.”

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