Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.
The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.
“I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
There were three recruits that were on their way up the ranks after joining the FBI for top-ranking officers. There was one final test for them to do before they were chosen to officially join the top ranks, and if they failed, they would not be chosen for the prestigious position.
So there were three doors, and the commander explains what each of them needs to do. He says, “Behind the door with your name on it is each one of your wives, and for the final test you must go in that room — there will be a gun sitting on the table — and you need to kill your wife.”
There is an awkward silence for a few minutes before the first guy goes in the room with his name on it. A few minutes later, he comes bursting out of there crying, “I can’t do it! I just can’t do it!” He hands the gun to the commander and walks away.
The second guy goes into the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for a little bit longer. He calmly comes out of the room, hands the commander his gun, and says, “Nope, can’t do it.”
So the third guy goes in the room with his name on it, and he’s in there for quite a while. And then all of a sudden everyone outside the door hears “BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!” then “click, click, click, click,” and then they hear what sounds like a struggle. A few minutes later, the third guy comes out and says, “God damn it, somebody put blanks in this gun, so I had to take off my jacket and strangle the bitch.”
While lying in bed, the chef of the Chinese restaurant nudged his wife, saying, “I wouldn’t mind a little 69 right now.”
His wife, who works as a server, turned her back, saying, “If you think I’m gonna get out of bed at this time of night to make you moo goo gai pan, you’re crazy.”
Standing at checkout at the local hardware store. The old guy in line ahead of me was asked by the cashier about the upcoming snowstorm forecast.
“Weathermen are like new brides,” the old man said. “Neither has any idea how many inches they’ll get or how long it’ll last.”
LADE HERSELF @ThebigLade
Men truly don’t realize when a woman has a crush on them, do they??
SilverFox @dantwodaughters · 3h
I don’t even know if my wife likes me.
She loves me… She loves me not… She loves me… She loves me not… Hell, as long as she keeps putting out and doesn’t divorce me, what fucking difference does it make?!
I greeted my husband at the door wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. But the other bitchy
After 10 years of marriage, my wife and I have a comfortable routine: I get sex after she goes on a shopping bender, then waits till I cum before informing me how much she spent.
