Topic: marriage

A man walks into a pharmacy and spends several minutes wandering up and down the aisles. Eventually, a clerk asks if he needs any help.

“I’m looking for a box of tampons for my wife,” he says.

The clerk points him to the right aisle.

A few minutes later, the man returns carrying a giant bag of cotton balls and a spool of string, then sets them on the counter.

The clerk looks puzzled. “Sir, I don’t mean to be nosy, and feel free not to answer, but I thought you were buying tampons for your wife.”

“You see,” the man says, “yesterday I sent my wife to the store for a carton of cigarettes. She came home with a tin of tobacco and a pack of rolling papers because, according to her, ‘It’s soooo much cheaper.’

“So if I have to roll my own, so does she.”

A principal is in a health class telling them it will be sex education week and gym teacher Mr. Wilson will be teaching.

The principal exits the classroom, then comes in walking Mr. Wilson with a banana in hand.

“Class, today I will be teaching you all how to properly put on a condom.”

The kids look at him and the banana.

Mr. Wilson tells them, “You’re probably wondering why I have a banana. Well, because it’s hard for me to get an erection on an empty stomach.”

A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.

The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…

That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”

The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”

The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”

A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decided to test it out at dinner.

Dad asked his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”

The son replied, “I did my homework.”

SLAP!

“Okay, okay,” the son said. “I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

Dad asked, “What movie?”

“Toy Story.”

SLAP!

“Alright, alright,” the son admitted. “We were watching adult movies.”

Dad snapped, “What?! At your age, I didn’t even know what those were!”

SLAP!

Mom burst out laughing and said, “Well, he certainly is your son!”

SLAP!

The robot is now for sale.

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

“Doctor,” the man said, “I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can’t possibly be mine.”

“Nonsense,” the doctor said. “Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.”

“It isn’t possible,” the man insisted. “This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.”

“Well,” said the doctor, “let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?”

The man seemed a bit ashamed. “I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.”

“Well, there you have it!” the doctor said confidently. “It’s rust.”