Topic: marriage

Marriage jokes, spouse memes, domestic negotiations, romantic regrets, and legally binding punchlines for people who said “I do” and then kept receipts.

  • The Dress in Church and on the Subway

    A guy walks into a bar with a black eye. They ask what happened. He says, “Well, I was in church and we all stood up to sing. There was a big woman in front of me and I couldn’t help but notice that her dress didn’t fall properly, as some of it was bunched up in her butt area. I tried to look away, but I just couldn’t, so I reached forward, gave the dress a little tug, and it improved. But she immediately turned around and punched me in the eye!”

    The next week the guy comes in and his eye has mostly healed, but the other one is bruised. They ask what happened and he says,

    “Well, I was on the subway, and the same lady, wearing the same dress, was standing in front of me…”

    “You didn’t learn your lesson from the last time?” they ask.

    He says, “No, check it out: the guy next to me was also looking at her butt, and sure enough, I saw him reach forward and tug on the dress, and it was no longer bunched into her butt…”

    “But I knew she didn’t like that, so with my pointing finger, I quickly pushed it back in. I guess she didn’t like that either, because she punched me.”

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  • Not That Into Her

    A woman breaks up with a man with a small penis. His friends were amazed he didn’t seem hurt or fazed by the breakup.

    “It’s okay,” he said. “I wasn’t that into her.”

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  • My Lawyer

    So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.

    Finally, he pulls her aside and says, “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

    And the secretary says, “My lawyer.”

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  • Right Around the Entrance

    Patient: Doctor, my bottom hurts.

    Doctor: Can you tell me exactly where it hurts?

    Patient: Right around the entrance.

    Doctor: As long as you call it the entrance, it will hurt.

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  • He Would Never Use Your Golf Clubs

    A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”

    The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”

    The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”

    “It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”

    “Would he sleep in our bed?”

    “It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”

    “Would he use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”

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  • The Student Discount at the Brothel

    A student comes to a brothel and says, “I want sex, but I’m a student, I don’t have much money.”

    They tell him, “Okay, we have a special offer for students: it costs $1 to insert, $1 to pull out.” The student chose a girl, they went to the room. They got into bed, started. He put it in her and doesn’t move. She screams, “Pull out, pull out!” He replies, “I’m out of money.”

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  • The Fairy and the 30th Anniversary Wish

    A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.

    “Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”

    The wife went first.

    “I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”

    Poof!

    Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.

    Then it was the husband’s turn.

    He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,

    “This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”

    The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.

    The fairy waved her wand.

    Poof!

    Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.

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  • The Easy One

    A prostitute says to a guy, “Hey baby, looking for a good time?” The guy asks, “How much?” She says, “$500.” He agrees.

    They go back to a hotel room, where he immediately heads for the bathroom.

    After waiting for a few minutes she goes to check on him, and finds him furiously jerking off.

    “What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want to have sex?”

    And the guy says, “For $500, do you think I’m gonna let you get the easy one?”

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  • Mistress Hooker and Wife

    What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?

    The mistress says, “Oh honey! More! Deeper!”

    The hooker says, “Come on! Faster! Time to go!”

    The wife says, “Beige! Beige! I’m going to paint the ceiling beige!”

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  • Reliving Our First Date

    I suggested to my wife that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.

    So I walked over to her and asked, “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”

    She said, “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again!”

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