The doctor walked in for my vasectomy consultation and said, “Now THIS is what I call a beautiful penis!”
Then he zipped up his pants and asked me to undress for the exam.
Medical jokes, doctor-office awkwardness, hospital humor, and body-related disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
Say what you will about CPR, but I find it repulsing.

What To Do With Your Opinion
1. Unwrap your opinion.
2. Moisten your opinion with water or water-based lubricating jelly (such as KY Brand).
3. Lie on your left side and bend your right knee up towards your chest. Gently push your opinion into your rectum so that is deep enough to not come out.

[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons

ROSES ARE FOR VASES
LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch
ME: ouch
DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”
“Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”