Topic: medical

Medical jokes, doctor-office awkwardness, hospital humor, and body-related disasters from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.

  • Vasectomy Consultation Compliment

    The doctor walked in for my vasectomy consultation and said, “Now THIS is what I call a beautiful penis!”

    Then he zipped up his pants and asked me to undress for the exam.

  • Two Medical Students Diagnose an Old Man Walking Stiff-Legged

    Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

    One student said to his friend: “I’m sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”

    The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class.”

    Since they couldn’t agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, “We’re medical students and couldn’t help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn’t agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?”

    The old man said, “I’ll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think.”

    The first student said, “I think it’s Peltry Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    The other student said, “I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.”

    The old man said, “You thought — but you are wrong.”

    So they asked him, “Well, old timer, what do you have?”

    The old man said, “I thought it was gas — but I was wrong, too!”

  • Repulsing

    Say what you will about CPR, but I find it repulsing.

  • What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    What To Do With Your Opinion

    1. Unwrap your opinion.

    2. Moisten your opinion with water or water-based lubricating jelly (such as KY Brand).

    3. Lie on your left side and bend your right knee up towards your chest. Gently push your opinion into your rectum so that is deep enough to not come out.

  • This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    This Is Exactly What I Was Afraid Of

    [doctor looking at my xrays]

    doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

    me: what

    doctor: skeletons

  • Watt Is Love

    Watt Is Love

    Watt is love?
    Baby don’t herz me
    don’t herz me
    no morse

  • Or Get the Hose Again

    Or Get the Hose Again

    ROSES ARE FOR VASES
    LOTION’S FOR THE SKIN
    YOU WILL BE MY VALENTINE
    OR GET THE HOSE AGAIN.

  • Still No Idea

    Still No Idea

    WHAT DO YOU CALL A DEER WITH NO EYES?

    NO IDEA

    AND NO LEGS

    STILL NO IDEA

  • Small Pinch

    Small Pinch

    DOCTOR: ur gonna feel a small pinch

    ME: ouch

    DOCTOR: alright I’m done pinching u, tell me why ur here

  • Everywhere I Touch

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

    Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

    “Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

    “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”