If Al Gore really invented the Internet, then why does he continue to ignore my repeated requests for a refund of my BIGBEAVERZ.COM membership fee?
Topic: politics
Political jokes, public meltdowns, campaign nonsense, and democracy having a day from Chaotic Meh — sharp, strange, and probably not safe to explain at brunch.
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500 Votes Per Boob
Well, another election in my household has passed and the results are in: The Sex-Every-Sunday Referendum was defeated soundly, 1000-1. I knew agreeing to the 500-vote-per-boob Electoral College would come back to haunt me.
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Russian Condom Crisis Gets American Solution
Gorbachev called Clinton with an emergency: “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the Russian President cried. “My people’s favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Mikhael, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,” replied the President.
“I do need your help,” said Gorbachev. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?”
“Why certainly! I’ll get right on it!” said Clinton.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?”
“Yes?” “Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”
“No problem,” replied the President and, with that, Clinton hung up and called the President of Trojan.
“I need a favor, you’ve got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia.”
“Consider it done,” said the President of Trojan.
“Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10″ long and 4″ wide.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yeah,” said the President, “print ‘MADE IN AMERICA, SIZE MEDIUM’ on each one.”
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Yellow French’s
If Saddam Hussein ever kills me with mustard gas, I hope it’s the yellow French’s kind, and not that brown Dijon stuff. I always hated that foo-foo gourmet crap.
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The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink
16. The pants you just wet are not your own.
15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”
14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”
13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.
12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.
11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.
10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.
9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.
8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.
7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.
6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.
5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.
4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.
3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.
2. You squish when you blink.
1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White -
Best Basis For Government
You may not like it but this is the best basis for forming a system of government
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I’d never vote for another Bush for president, but I might be
I’d never vote for another Bush for president, but I might be persuaded to cast one for “Shaved Clam.”
