When she’s getting ready to show you the advantages of dating an older woman…
Topic: relationships
Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.
-
I Can Tell By the Voice
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
-
You Can Choose Any Prize From the Bottom Shelf
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.
The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.
After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”
The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”
-
Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)
15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.
14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.
13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.
12. Do not use if already semen-filled.
11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.
10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.
9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.
8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.
7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.
6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.
5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.
4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.
3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.
2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.
1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part I)
15. Purchase of this product does not guarantee opportunity to actually use this product.
14. Improper attachment may create choking hazard.
13. DANGER: You *do* realize he’s never going to call you after this, don’t you?
12. We call it “large,” but that’s just to make you feel better, stud.
11. This product does not prevent beer-goggle regret.
10. “Ribbed” is in no respect meant to imply any guarantee that your particular use of this object will actually result in “her pleasure.”
9. Caution: Contents should not be mixed with alcohol and high school reunions.
8. The United States Government has recommended a Constitutional Amendment banning use of this product by anyone who is single or under 18 years of age.
7. The baby you prevent with this prophylactic will forever jab your sinning ass with pitchforks in Hell.
6. Only to be used in a locked and upright position.
5. Warning: May be used by pedophile circus clowns to make balloon French poodles.
4. Using this condom for same-sex acts is inconsistent with U.S. government policy — and don’t think we’re not watching, Nancy-Boy!
3. Caution: Removal process may involve painful yanking of pubic hair.
2. Not to be taken internally unless filled with cocaine.
1. Surgeon General Warning: Cigarette smoking after use of this product has been found to cause cancer in happy, sexually satisfied laboratory animals.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ] -
Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV
15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.
14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.
13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.
12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.
11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”
10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.
9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.
8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.
7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.
6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.
5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.
4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.
3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”
2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”
1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Chapters in Sex for Dummies
The Top 16 Chapters in “Sex for Dummies”
16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor Sex Partners
15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE: Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)
14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary Position
13. Starting Out: Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?
12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14 Simple Steps
11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All Those Other People
10. Chapter 4: No, You Don’t *Actually* Blow
9. Stop Masturbating, She’s Real!
8. You’re Britney, I’m Strom: Introduction to Role Playing
7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester
6. Putting a Condom on a Banana is Just for *Practice*, Dumbass
5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to Sexual Positions
4. “Alternate” Lifestyles: Pokeman?
3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!
2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory
1. Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 16 Reasons Last Nights Date Was a Failure
The Top 16 Reasons Last Night’s Date Was a Failure
16. Two words: Crying Game
15. Putting chopsticks in your nose doesn’t go over so well since you hit the big four-oh.
14. You woke up in a tu-tu, a bra and scuba flippers – but where the hell is your hockey mask?
13. Losing that Happy Meal prize to your date in an arm-wrestling contest kind of put a damper on the rest of the evening.
12. You roll over and find a naked Ed Asner next to you.
11. You brought flowers and candy, she brought a lawyer and a restraining order.
10. O.J. Simpson mask definitely not a big hit.
9. Her job as an Elvis impersonator didn’t bother you until you discovered the sideburns are real.
8. You didn’t feel the earth move, but you learned an awful lot about life insurance.
7. Severe paper cuts from that popcorn-box trick forced you to go to the emergency room alone.
6. Everything was going great until the conversation shifted to rejected names for hurricanes.
5. The only tongue you got was at the deli counter.
4. A generally accepted rule of thumb is that your date should have the same number of digits after the date as before.
3. Your date’s position as environmental spokesperson really kept you from enjoying your porpoise sandwich.
2. You were only being honest, Gene Hackman in drag *is* arousing
1. Dinner reservations at House of Beans.
-
Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
The Top 16 Worst Breakup Excuses
16. “Ow… I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey… who are YOU?”
15. “I’m sorry, but there just isn’t room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator.”
14. “I’ve got this disease… it’s called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious.”
13. “You’re too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We’re the same age? Well, that doesn’t work for me, either.”
12. “We’re just so different, you and I. You’re an extrovert, I’m an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I’m* not a physically repulsive raving psychopath.”
11. “You’ve gone from ‘sponge-worthy’ to merely ‘spongy.’”
10. “Dear Christine: By the time you read this I’ll be a woman…”
9. “I have early-onset onanism.”
8. “You’re no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.”
7. “My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it… yeah — on the subway, I think.”
6. “Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don’t even know who you ARE anymore!”
5. “My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.”
4. “It’s not *you*, it’s me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.”
3. “I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you’re a snake and I’m a mongoose.”
2. “We just don’t have anything in common anymore — you’re a morning person, and I want to see your severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.”
1. “I’m holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ] -
Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard
13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.
12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.
11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.
10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.
9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”
8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.
7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.
6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.
5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”
3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.
2. “All your albums are belong to me!”
1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]
