Topic: relationships

Relationship jokes, dating disasters, marriage chaos, red flags, and emotionally questionable laughs for people who have loved, lost, and texted anyway.

  • Virgin’s Unexpected Reaction to Creative Compromise

    A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

    “Well, OK,” he says, “how about a blow job?”

    “EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

    He says, “Well, then, how about a hand job?”

    “I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

    “Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

    She nods.

    “Well, it’s just like that.”

    So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain.

    “What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

    “TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”

  • Quick Finish Line: Newlywed Expectations Crash

    The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you’re really a lousy lover!”

    The husband replies, “How would you know after only 30 seconds?”

  • Doctor’s Three-Day Sex Schedule Backfires

    The newlyweds were suffering from exhaustion and after an examination, their doctor advised, “It’s not unusual for young people to overdo things during the first weeks of marriage. What you both need is rest. For the next month I want you to limit your sex life to those days of the week with an “R” in them. That is, Thursday, Friday and Saturday.”

    Since the end of the week was approaching the newlyweds had no immediate difficulty following the medico’s orders. But on the first night of scheduled rest the young bride found herself eager as a beaver.

    Hubby fell asleep, but she tossed and turned and finally nudged her spouse into partial wakefulness.

    Expecting daylight, and confused with the darkness, he asked, “What day is it honey?”

    She looks at him with a gleam in her eyes and says, “Mondray.”

  • Dick’s Burnout: Thirty Times Left

    A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

    He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

  • A Huge Penis

    My girlfriend ran away screaming when she saw I had a huge penis.

    Now the police are involved asking weird questions like “Who does it belong to?” and “Where is the rest of him?”

  • Widow Maker: The Ultimate Catch

    Two guys, Frank and Bob, were out fishing on a quiet lake.

    A funeral procession passed over a nearby bridge, and Bob took off his hat.

    He stood in silence with his hat over his heart until the cars passed.

    “That was a very moving gesture, Bob,” Frank said.

    Bob replied, “It’s the least I could do; I was married to her for 30 years.”

  • Gay Hide and Seek Goes Hilariously Wrong

    Two gay guys are in their apartment. The first guy says, “Let’s play hide and go seek. If you find me, I’ll blow you.”

    The second guys says, “What if I can’t find you?”

    And the first guy says, “I’ll be behind the piano.”

  • Quiet Night Interrupted by Unexpected Audience

    This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

    As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out,”

    She screams out…”I can’t get pregnant…aaahhhhhhhh”!

    Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”

  • Virgin Bride’s Three Failed Marriages Explained

    A middle aged man and woman meet, fall in love, and decide to get married. On their wedding night they settle into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride says to her new groom, “Please promise to be gentle,… I am still a virgin.”

    The startled groom says “How can that be? You’ve been married 3 times before.”

    The bride responds… “Well you see it was this way: My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.”

    “My second husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.”

    “And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was……………..God I miss him!”

  • Bubba’s Unexpected Advantage

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”