Topic: sex

Dark sex jokes, adult memes, awkward hookups, bedroom disasters, and the kind of punchlines that should probably clear their browser history afterward.

  • $600 a Week and a Third Interest in the Pharmacy

    One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist.

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    “I am the pharmacist,” she informed him.

    “Oh, in that case forget it,” he replied and started to leave.

    “Young man,” the lady said to him, “My sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven’t heard, so what is your problem?”

    “Well,” the young man said reluctantly, “I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won’t go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I masturbate or how many times I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?”

    “I’ll have to go in the back and talk to my sister,” she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back.

    “Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $600 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy.”

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  • Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger

    A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

    The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

    “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”

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  • Wouldnt I Wooden Eye

    There was a seaman who had a wooden eye because he was a tight mean bastard who refused to pay for a professionally made eyeball. However he was very sensitive about people making fun of his eyeball. One night after being at sea for several months and being tight with money, he thought he would try his luck at the local pubs for some pussy instead of going with the other guys to proposition some of the local prostitutes.

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    He struck pay dirt by meeting a lady with the most marvelous figure. However, instead of her mouth going across her face, it went vertically straight up and down. On arriving back at the woman’s place and making small talk, the lady said she would like him to leave as she wanted her sleep.

    This got the seaman angry as he wanted some pussy and told her she wouldn’t have been any good in bed anyway. She yelled “WOULDN’T I” and the seaman thought she had said wooden eye, and being very sensitive about his eye he retorted “WHO ARE YOU CALLING WOODEN EYE CUNT FACE”.

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  • Woman BJ Etiquette Rules and Mens Response

    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules (and Men’s Response)

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    Woman B. J. Etiquette Rules

    1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

    2. Extension to rule #1 – So if you get one, be grateful.

    3. I don’t care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone’s face.

    4. Extension to rule #3 – No, I DON’T have to swallow.

    5. My ears are NOT handles.

    6. Extension to rule #5 – do not push on the top of my head. Do you really WANT puke on you?

    7. I don’t care HOW relaxed you get; it is NEVER OK to fart.

    8. Having my period does not mean that it’s “hummer week” – get it through your head – I’m bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don’t feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can’t have sex right now.

    9. Extension to #8 – “Blue Balls” might have worked on high school girls! If you’re that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

    10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don’t tell me I’ve just “wrecked it” for you.

    11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

    12. If you like how we do it, it’s probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we’re good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

    13. No, it doesn’t particularly taste good. And I don’t care about the protein content.

    14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

    15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don’t get B. J. often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

    16. Just because “it’s awake” when you get up does not mean I have to “kiss it good morning”.

    Man’s reply to Woman’s B. J. Etiquette

    1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don’t, we will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

    2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

    3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word “queef” mean anything to you?

    4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don’t worry about it & be thankful I’m not pulling your hair.

    5. If you ever tell me what to say & not to say to my friends again, you won’t have to worry about getting those little hairs stuck in your teeth…because you won’t have any.

    6. Maybe if you brushed your teeth & got the smell off your breath we would stick around afterward.

    7. When you’re on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching & moaning.

    8. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

    9. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

    10. At least there is no danger of bleeding in your mouth.

    11. Play with the balls.

    12. No matter how good you think you are at it, we’ve had better.

    13. B. Js are the only reason we spend time with you instead of our friends, take that away and you are, literally, useless.

    14. Caress the ass, too, we like that.

    15. Make hay when the sun shines. It’s “wide awake” in the morning now, but when you get old & fat (and you will) and looking for some action, gah-ron-tee it’ll be “sound asleep”.

    16. If you swallow, then you don’t have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you? Leave the thinking to us, okay?

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  • Y2KY Jelly

    The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant.

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    In the light of this they have now renamed it as: Y2KY Jelly.

    Said a spokesman: “The main benefit of this revision to our product, is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two.”

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  • Were Having a Yard Sale Today

    A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked.

    A well-dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was. “This is a brothel” replied the madam.

    “Well, what’s all this out on the lawn?” queried the man.

    “Oh, we’re having a yard sale today.”

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  • You Know Youre a Whore When

    You Know You’re a Whore When……

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    1. You’ve slept with Geraldo Rivera.
    2. Arsenio touches your knee.
    3. Even Richard Dawson won’t kiss you.
    4. Sheik offers you free shares in the company.
    5. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
    6. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn’t bother you.
    7. The EPA comes looking for you.
    8. You go through a Sealy ™ a week.
    9. Frederik actually comes to your door himself…just to see where 1/2 of his orders go.
    10. When people say “Ho, Ho, Ho” and it’s July.
    11. When you don’t know “What’s his name?”
    12. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
    13. You are the headquarters for the CDC.
    14. Your baby looks familiar, but……like who?
    15. When they change your # to 976.
    16. Tetracycline is your best friend.
    17. McDonald’s calls you “The Happy Meal”.
    18. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
    19. Changing your sheets comes more than once a day.
    20. When you’ve got a “Take a Number” machine at your door.
    21. When they call you “Shazam” and they don’t mean the money machine!
    22. When you get haemorrhoids on your shoulders.
    23. When getting dressed is not part of your day.
    24. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
    25. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
    26. When your screams are heard over a fire alarm.
    27. When you’re wearing more latex than spandex.
    28. When your motto is “2 Days, 2 Pounds…$2.90.”
    29. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
    30. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
    31. On the golf course, you’re afraid to yell “Fore (four).”
    32. When the word Slalom gets you excited.
    33. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
    34. When you have a neon sign saying “open at night”.
    35. You want to have your name changed to Misty.
    36. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
    37. You start to think of yourself as Smurfette.
    38. You haven’t seen your floor in a week.
    39. When sunlight scares you.
    40. When your favourite quote is “next please”.
    41. You know all the people in “America’s Most Wanted”.
    42. When Susan Sarandon envies you.
    43. When Guinness Book starts calling.
    44. When every song reminds you of someone…but who?
    45. When everyone refers to you as “dear” and “honey”.
    46. When he doesn’t even have to buy you a drink.
    47. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
    48. When Holiday Inn is coming after you for their linen.
    49. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
    50. The only place you haven’t had sex is on the moon.
    51. When a men’s prison becomes a vacation “hot spot”.
    52. The Big Dipper looks inviting.
    53. When soft foods have become distasteful.
    54. White sauce is a staple in your diet.
    55. When the Red Cross turns their head at you.
    56. When it only took 2 licks to get to the centre of a Blow Pop.
    57. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
    58. When other women begin to call you “Man’s Best Friend”.
    59. You and Prince have already made 3 records.
    60. When the neighbours want you to install a drive up window.

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  • Shes the One That Suffers Not Me

    A young couple on the brink of divorce visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife about the problem. She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.”

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    The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?”

    The husband replies, “Well, not exactly. She’s the one that suffers, not me.”

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  • How Many Perverts Does It Take to Put in a Light Bulb and Other One-Liners

    How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
    Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!

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    What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
    “How come?”

    What’s the definition of a teenager?
    God’s punishment for enjoying sex.

    Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
    They’ll never see you coming.

    What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
    S&M&M.

    What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
    They both capture that special moment.

    Define Transvestite:
    A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!

    Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
    The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

    What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
    A scrotum pole!

    What’s the ultimate in rejection?
    When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

    Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
    There’d be too many thank you notes to write.

    What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
    Two Mennonite!

    Why is sex like a game of bridge?
    If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.

    Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
    Is it in?

    What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
    A bingo machine.

    What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
    One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.

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  • Eats Shoots and Leaves

    A prostitute enters a pub and notices a Panda bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the panda bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the Panda gets up and wanders towards the door. “HEY! Where are you going?” yells the prostitute. “I haven’t been paid!”

    Realizing that he is a Panda bear and might not understand, she reaches for a dictionary and looks up prostitute.

    She shows him the definition: PROSTITUTE (pros’ti toot) n. A woman who performs sexual services for money.

    The Panda bear looks at her and then grabs the dictionary. He shows her a definition: PANDA BEAR (pan der bare) n. Eats shoots and leaves.

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