Topic: work

I could tell we were in for a long night at work when our supervisor raised a megaphone to his lips and yelled, “Gentlemen, start your catheters!”

I ride to my job with several co-workers. Problem is, I always start screaming when the car passes through the excavation that allows the road to pass through the mountain. My psychiatrist says it’s the worst case of Carpool Tunnel Syndrome he’s ever seen.

I used to work at a place where people got all pissy when I told dirty jokes. Screw them *and* their vow of silence.

There’s nothing more embarrassing than strolling into the office humming “It’s a Hap-Hap-Happy Day,” then hearing the hushed whispers of co-workers and realizing it’s only a hap-happy day.

To alleviate my public speaking phobia, my speech instructor suggested I envision the audience naked. Though it initially seemed to work, I soon realized it was replaced with a new phobia: the fear of getting wood in front of my co-workers during a staff meeting.

I dropped by a rival gym to see what their spinning classes were like. Man, you work up quite a sweat when you use those stationary bikes, and end up considerably less dizzy that my cycle-free version.

If life gives you lemons, make a delicious lemonade. If life gives you a tennis bracelet, though, you know life is trying to make up for hitting on your co-workers at the office party.

People tell me I should work on my similes; I think I simply need to refine things like someone who refines stuff a lot.

My dream job: vacation planner. Not for other people, though. That would kind of suck.

Note to my annoying coworker: If you’re trying to impress the secretary by quoting Ralph Malph, you most definitely don’t “still got it.”