A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells extra large condoms.
He replies, “Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?”
She responds, “No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”
Delivery Style: bait and switch
Bait and switch joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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John’s Compliment Comes Back to Haunt Him
John receives a phone call.
“Hello,” he answers.
The voice on the other end says, “This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.”
John: “Hmm… Susan? About 3 months ago?”
Susan: “Yes, it was at Bill’s house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport.”
John: “Oh, yeah! Susan! How are you?”
Susan: “I’m pregnant and I’m going to kill myself.”
John: “Say, you ARE a good sport.”
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Bounce a Quarter Off My Ass
I’ve worked hard to get to the point where you can now bounce a quarter off my ass. Well, to clarify, I meant a Quarter Pounder with cheese, and I’ll probably snatch it from you on the return trajectory.
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Delicate Hand-Eye Skills
I often wonder if I would be in my current profession if I hadn’t developed my delicate hand-eye skills as a child playing “Operation.” Probably not, since the boss would have fired me long ago for ruining all those keyboards because of stray peanut bits falling off of my Salted Nut Roll.
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Hypnotize a Cat
Cats aren’t so damn superior. Heck, you can easily hypnotize one by dangling a shiny object in front of its eyes and giving it tuna… giving it tuna… must give the cat some tuna….
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Deluxe Magic Hat
My wife thinks that TV is a big waste of time, but I just learned something that’s sure to change her mind: When buying a magic hat for the kid’s snowman, spring for the deluxe version that keeps the snowman from melting when the temperature goes above freezing.
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Misunderstanding at the Beach
Goldie was sitting on a beach, attempting to strike up a conversation with the attractive gentleman reading on the blanket beside hers.
“Hello, sir,” she said, “Do you like movies?”
“Yes, I do,” he responded, then returned to his book.
Goldie persisted. “Do you like gardening?”
The man again looked up from his book. “Yes, I do,” he said politely before returning to his reading.
Undaunted, Goldie asked, “Do you like pussycats?”
With that the man dropped his book and pounced on Goldie, ravaging her as she’d never been ravaged before.
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Goldie dragged herself to a sitting position and panted, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man thought for a moment and replied, “How did you know that my name was Katz?”
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Number One
Last night, my girlfriend told me that I’m her “number one.” That’s just great: Not only does she see another man, but I’m more numb than he is.
