Still haven’t heard from Hallmark about my idea for a line of “Thanks for not molesting me, alcoholic stepdad” cards.
Delivery Style: deadpan
Deadpan joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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If you don’t eat your candy corn in three separate color
If you don’t eat your candy corn in three separate color coordinated bites, you’re a lazy bag of shit.
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Mothers Day Lowest Crime
Fin @gofinurself
My mom is a prosecutor and every year she brings up the fact that Mother’s Day is the day with the lowest crime. I think that says a lot about how many moms commit crimes throughout the year, but can’t today because they’re too busy being celebrated.
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Minty Fresh Brains
I’ve made provisions in my will to be buried with a roll of breath mints. I figure if I should somehow become part of a zombie army roaming the earth, I may want something minty fresh to take the taste of brains out of my mouth.
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Family of Four
I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four
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This Contest Is Hard
Jon @ArfMeasures
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
11:15 AM – 31 May 19 – Twitter for Android
2,711 Retweets 20K Likes
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Weekend Immune System
I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.
