Deadpan Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Family of Four

I was assigned female at birth and identify as a woman, but according to the back of the Kraft mac and cheese box I’m a family of four

Jon @ArfMeasures

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

11:15 AM – 31 May 19 – Twitter for Android

2,711 Retweets 20K Likes

I only seem to get sick on weekdays.

I must have a weekend immune system.

A sure-fire way to win “best costume” at the next Halloween party is to have somebody embed a real chainsaw blade into your shoulder.

Timing is crucial, though — you don’t want to pass out from loss of blood after 10 minutes, long before the costume judging begins, like I did.

Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?

In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

I was datin’ this girl from Eaton.

Or maybe it was the other way around and she was from Dayton.

I just wanted to show her my memes. Next thing you know my weiner is in her mouth. I’m tired of being used.

I just bought an original Van Gogh coffee table.

I know it’s authentic because there’s a bit of veneer missing.

When I was a kid, a wizard gave me a choice — to have a giant dick, or perfect memory.

I forgot which one I picked.

The only thing I like about winter is that you wear gloves so much you never leave fingerprints behind.