Deadpan Jokes, Memes & Dark Humor

Love on the Move: Dating Without Ties

The great thing about dating a homeless woman is you can just drop her off anywhere.

I tried to remarry my ex-wife, but that failed.
She figured out I was only after my money.

Like my Grandad always says, go the extra mile in every job that you do.
Lovely man, terrible train driver

I think I got ripped off.
I just paid $15 for the “Where’s Waldo” audio book.

“Does this dress make me look fat?”
“Promise not to be mad, whatever I say?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I fucked your sister.”

I inherited an EpiPen from my grandfather. He wanted me to get it. That was his dying wish.

Weird, I know, I’m not even allergic.

I hope I go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa. Instead of screaming like his passengers!

What do you call 20 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

A guy walks into a bar and says, “Damn! That hurt!”

Jesus walks into a motel.

He puts three nails on the counter and says, “Can you put me up for the night?”