Dialogue joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
Little Johnny catches his parents shagging one afternoon. He yells in, “Hey, Pop! What are you doin’?”
His father says, “Son, I’m filling your mother’s tank.”
Johnny says, “Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning.”
Me: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown
Dispatch: Copy that
Me: I’ll try but I’m not much of a dancer
The teacher asked her students to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Mary said, “My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Good, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8.”
A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Johnnie what is your problem?” Johnnie answered, “I’m too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!”
The teacher had had enough. She took Johnnie to the principal’s office. While Johnnie waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave. The teacher agreed.
Johnnie was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Johnnie: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Johnnie: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third grader should know. The principal looked at the teacher and told her, “I think Johnnie can go to the third grade, just as he thought.”
The teacher says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions, and I’m sure you will see the reasons I am hesitant about Johnnie’s advancement!” The principal and Johnnie both agreed.
The teacher asked, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?” Johnnie, after a moment, replied, “Legs.”
Teacher: “Ok, you got that right, but I know I’ll get you. What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnnie replied, “Pockets.”
Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Johnnie: “Pants”
Teacher: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of excitement?”
Johnnie: “Firetruck”
Little Johnnie had been studying, and he’d not fall for any of her tricks… nothing would hold him back if he could help it!
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Johnnie in the FIFTH grade. I missed the last four questions myself!”
Two-year-old little Johnnie was being bounced up and down on his grandad’s knee when he suddenly asked, “Gwandad, where do babies come fwom?”
Grandad was a bit shocked and thought a bit: he then said, “Why my boy, they come from the stork.”
After about two minutes little Johnnie said, “Gwandad… who fucks the stork?”
Rodney Lacroix @RodLacroix
Child: The Tooth Fairy left me three dollars!
Me: When I was a kid the Tooth Fairy would leave us coins.
Child: Were they made of wood?
Me:
Child:
Me: The Tooth Fairy isn’t real.
5:36 AM · 7/26/20 · Twitter for iPad
Him: I try to talk and she just mumbles and throws up gang signs
Her: *signals* I’m deaf
