Delivery Style: misdirection

  • Ancient grease

    An archaeologist found a 2,000-year-old oil stain.
    Ancient grease.

  • It means a lot to you

    To all my Spanish-speaking friends out there, I just want to say “mucho”…
    …because I know it means a lot to you.

  • Beat Up a Fifth Grader

    I don’t think I’d do very well on that TV show, “Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?”

    But if they ever have a spin-off called, “Can You Beat Up a Fifth Grader?” I’ll bet I could score some nice consolation prizes.

  • Stars in my eyes

    The worst part about falling asleep in my Campbell’s chicken soup is waking up with stars in my eyes.

  • What Do They Have in Common

    What does a burnt pizza, a frozen beer, and a pregnant woman have in common?

    Someone forgot to take it out.

  • Helen Keller’s Swing Set

    Did you know that Helen Keller had a swing set?

    You didn’t know? Neither did she.

  • Big Tits on Babies

    My wife asked me if I wish she had been born with big tits.

    I told her that I find big tits on babies disturbing.

  • Head Cleaner

    Just found a really old porno on VHS, called Head Cleaner.

    Sounds hot.

  • Sleeping Bag

    You ever get laid in a sleeping bag? It’s awful.

    You can’t ever move, you’re drenched in sweat, and your scout master is covering your mouth.

  • Sign Language

    A hand job from a deaf person counts as oral.