A blonde walks into a library…
…and then says to the librarian, “Hi, I’d like a burger and fries please.”
**Librarian:** Ma’am, this is a library.
**Blonde:** Oh, sorry. (Whispering) “I’d like a burger and fries please.”
Delivery Style: observational
Observational joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I Could See Myself Working There
They’re building a mirror factory in my town.
I could see myself working there.
-
The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
The Top 17 Ideas for a Movie Sequel
17. The Leggo Movie: Emmett’s new career has him tackling the adventurous world of frozen waffles.
16. Ei8ht: John Doe has escaped from jail and this Christmas will embody ALL the deadly sins unless Detectives Mills and Somerset can stop him before he murders Santa’s reindeer.
15. Three Angry Alternates: Tempers rise after Jack, Bill and Ted are told that since they were not seated on the jury, they won’t be paid.
14. Finding Bevo: The beloved University of Texas Longhorn Mascot vanishes at the stadium while his handlers are doing Jell-O shots.
13. Aunt-Man: Paul Rudd becomes a superhero for the second time when he’s bitten by his mom’s radioactive sister.
12. Bridget Jones’s Colonoscopy: For those who can’t get enough of Renee Zellweger, this oughtta do it.
11. Anti-Gravity: With the 2016 presidential election spinning out of control, Dr. Ryan Stone (Sandra Bullock) frantically tries to escape back into space.
10. Every Which Way But Loose Change: Clint Eastwood investigates 9/11 with the help of an empty chair and a monkey.
9. Jaws 5: A large man-eating shark water skis over a pool of sharks.
8. Groundhog Dayja Vu: Now that he’s been married a while, weatherman Phil Connors is horrified when day after day, he wakes up every morning to find the same woman in his bed.
7. Given: Liam Neeson gives exactly zero shits when kidnappers tell him they have his former mother-in-law, but he’s still totally badass about it.
6. The Avatar 3: Blue Man Group: Three Na’vi move to Earth, where the atmosphere renders them mute and they’re forced to earn a living as mimes.
5. Nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue: During election season, a scandal-plagued woman is locked in a TV studio for 90 minutes with an orange-skinned madman as they struggle for control of a mansion in Washington.
4. Leonard Part 7: Prominent women are mysteriously falling into comas and private dick Bill Cosby is on the case.
3. The Waterboard Boy: After being mistaken for a terrorist, Adam Sandler is sent to Guantanamo Bay and brutally tortured to the delight of audiences everywhere.
2. Lawrence of Arabica: While writing his screenplay at Starbucks, Larry falls asleep at his typewriter and dreams he’s on an adventure in the Arabian Desert, only to be awakened by a rude barista telling him his snoring is annoying.
And the Number One Idea for a Movie Sequel…
1. Sully 2: Payback on the Hudson: Geese seek revenge against the cowardly pilot who brutally attacked their flock with his flying death machine.
-
Types of Men
Types of men…
Joe Sensitive – “After I wash the dishes, let’s cuddle, OK?”
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpyOld Man Grumpus – “People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let’s stay home and watch TV.”
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover, Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the assFlinchy – “I–I’m sorry for whatever it was I did.”
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggleBigfoot – “Shut yer trap, I’m thinkin’.”
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big ‘n’ Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pigLazybones – “Zzzzzz”
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfill your dreamsThe Sneak – “Who, me?”
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his lifeAce of Hearts – “After I wash the dishes let’s make love like crazed weasels, OK?”
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually arousedThe Dreamer – “Someday I’m going to be rich and famous. I don’t know how, but…”
Also known as: Struggling Artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into “Old Man Grumpus”Mr. Right – “While the servants wash the dishes, let’s make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?”
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman’s prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
