My dad is fond of writing on containers of “his” leftovers, “Do not TOUCH or EAT, under penalty of DEATH or DISMEMBERMENT, and not necessarily IN THAT ORDER!!!” I find that deliciously ironic when we’ve ordered a bucket of fried chicken.
Delivery Style: One-liner
One-liner joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy.
I really mean it when I say I just want my wife to be happy. Of course, if I could be happy, too, that would be good. And if we could both be happy at the same time, maybe involving whipped cream and some edible underwear, that would be even better.
-
With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate,
With the daily barrage of depressing stories about poverty, genocide, fear and hate, it’s sometimes a struggle to even want to get out of bed. Then you open a bag of Skittles to find a couple defective pieces morphed together, looking like two perfect purple boobies. Best. Day. EVER!
-
We need to stop calling Wednesday “Hump Day.”
We need to stop calling Wednesday “Hump Day.” Anyone with children knows the real humping doesn’t happen on school nights.
-
When choosing between two evils, be advised: If you use the “eenie-meenie-minie-mo”
When choosing between two evils, be advised: If you use the “eenie-meenie-minie-mo” method, you’ll always end up with the second one.
-
I agree with Theodore Roosevelt, who said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.”
I agree with Theodore Roosevelt, who said, “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” In my opinion, for a person making fun of someone with laryngitis, nothing will better convey “Hey, back off or I’ll take out your eye — WITH THIS STICK!”
-
Not only does history repeat itself, it increasingly forgets where it put its keys.
Not only does history repeat itself, it increasingly forgets where it put its keys.
-
I’m hoping they find Casey Anthony not guilty.
I’m hoping they find Casey Anthony not guilty. True, it may be a miscarriage of justice, but think how much fun it would be to watch Nancy Grace’s head explode.
-
The statement “A picture is worth a thousand words” is worth 0.007 of a picture.
The statement “A picture is worth a thousand words” is worth 0.007 of a picture.
-
Maybe my expectations have changed, but it’s just not a real firework show unless
Maybe my expectations have changed, but it’s just not a real firework show unless they’re launched from Katy Perry’s bosom.
