As with “Joe Millionaire,” I can’t wait until the last episode of “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here!” when the players candidly admit to America that they lied and they’re not really celebrities after all.
Delivery Style: statement
Statement joke delivery styles, punchline pacing, and comedy formats for people with specific chaos preferences from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Whoopee Cushion Gravy
A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke
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Closer To Millionaire Than Bill Gates
r/Showerthoughts
You are probably closer to being a millionaire than Bill Gates.
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Corporate Words of Wisdom
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow’s not looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I’d explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we’ll look back on this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn’t there the first time you need him, chances are you won’t be needing him again.
10. I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself — “Where the hell is the ceiling?”
12. My reality check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don’t suffer from stress — I’m a carrier…
15. You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter!
16. Don’t meddle in the affairs of dragons, ’cuz, like, you’re crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo…
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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Top 10 Drawbacks to Working in a Cubicle
10. Being told to “think outside the box” when you’re in a friggin’ box all day long.
9. Not being able to check e-mail attachments without turning around to see who’s behind you.
8. Cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
7. That nagging feeling that if you press the right button, you’ll get a piece of cheese.
6. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
5. The walls are too close together for the hammock to work right.
4. Twenty-three power cords — one outlet.
3. Prison cells are not only bigger, they also have beds.
2. The carpet has been there since 1976 and shows more signs of life than your co-workers.
1. You can’t walk out and slam the door when you quit.
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20 Sayings We’d Like to See on Those Office Inspirational Posters
1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings… they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity… probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.
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Top 56 Signs That You Have a Drinking Problem
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won’t progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive fifth food group.
Twenty-four hours in a day, twenty-four beers in a case — coincidence?? I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth… now THAT’S a drinking problem!
“Norm!” is what they say when you enter the bar.
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
Every woman you see has an exact twin.
You wake up to find Windows 95 installed on your machine.
You keep asking your wife “where are the kids?” but you don’t really have a wife and you’re talking to the refrigerator.
You fall off the floor.
You discover in the morning that liquid cleaning supplies have disappeared.
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Had your “Spuds McKenzie” tattoo removed, replaced it with “Red Dog.”
Hey, five beers has just as many calories as a burger — screw dinner!
Beer: it’s not just for breakfast anymore.
The glass keeps missing your mouth.
Bob Dole starts to make sense.
When you go to donate blood and they ask what proof.
Vampires get woozy after biting you.
The only drinking problem is not having a drink right now.
At an AA meeting you begin: “Hi, my name is… uh…”
Your idea of cutting back is less seltzer.
When vomiting becomes a relief.
Having a hard time staying on the sidewalk — left, right, stumble, fall.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom.
Barney, that dinosaur is damned funny!
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you’re beginning to find your roommate’s cat more attractive.
Hi occifer. I’m not under the affluence of incohol.
Waking up with a traffic cone between your legs.
No occifer, I’m not drunk… you’re just sober.
Problem? I drink, I get drunk, I fall down… no problem.
If on a diet, you cut back your food calories to allow for alcohol calories.
Take me drunk, I’m home!
The bottle’s empty… that’s the problem!
You find yourself as the captain of the Exxon Valdez.
You wake up naked lying in the corner of a bus depot.
Roseanne looks good.
Don’t recognize wife unless seen through bottom of bottle.
You drink to get over a hangover.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
You are the proud owner of a porcelain bus driver’s license.
The whisky ain’t working anymore.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
You have a reserved parking space at the A&P.
I’m as jober as a sudge!
You consider yourself a workaholic, because every time you go to work, you want to have a beer!
I slept with that damned pink elephant again.
Mosquitoes spiral down to the ground in circles after biting you.
Newt Gingrich… he’s soooo sexy.
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I don’t know if “Topless Webcamming” can be considered a skill,
I don’t know if “Topless Webcamming” can be considered a skill, but what the fuck, it’s going on the resume.
