A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.
Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.
The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.
He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:
“Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”
The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.
The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:
“That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”
The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:
“Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”
The dog replied: “Meow.”
So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”
The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”
The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”
“It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”
“Would he sleep in our bed?”
“It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”
“Would he use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”
A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.
“Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The wife went first.
“I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”
Poof!
Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband’s turn.
He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,
“This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”
The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.
The fairy waved her wand.
Poof!
Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.
Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.
Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.
Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.
“What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.
“Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”
