Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • The Tailor and the Terrible Headaches

    Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

    “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

    Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

    When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

    He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, why not?

    He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

    Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

    Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

    “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

    Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

    “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

    After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    “Sure,” Fred said.

    The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

    Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

    The tailor shook his head and said:

    “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

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  • The New CEO and the Delivery Guy

    A new CEO decides it’s time to get rid of the slackers.

    During a tour of the office, he notices a guy leaning against the wall while everyone else is working.

    Seeing a chance to show he means business, he walks over and asks, “How much do you make a week?”

    A little surprised, the young man replies, “About $400. Why?”

    The CEO says, “Wait right here.”

    He goes back to his office, returns a few minutes later, hands the guy $1,600 in cash, and says, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now get out, and don’t come back!”

    Feeling pretty proud of himself, the CEO turns to the employees and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goofball did around here?”

    A voice from the back says, “He was the DoorDash delivery guy.”

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  • Mabel and the Breathalyzer

    An old lady with dementia loved riding her motorized scooter around the nursing home.

    She reached speeds of 5 mph, but in her mind she was zooming at breakneck speed. The staff and other residents of the nursing home took pleasure in humoring her fantasy.

    “Hold it right there, Mabel!” said a nurse, holding her hand up like a traffic cop. “I need to see your driver’s license.” Mabel reached into her purse and took out a picture of her grandkids. The nurse tells her to watch her speed and have a safe trip.

    A few minutes later, Mabel is stopped again by Rose, a fellow resident, who tells her they’ve had reports of a stolen car that matches the description of the scooter. Rose asks to see her registration, and Mabel procures an expired coupon from her purse. Rose examines it and tells Mabel she’s free to go. Mabel takes off down the hallway once again.

    She takes a wrong turn into George’s room and comes to a stop. George gets out of bed, naked, and walks over to her with his penis in his hand.

    “Oh damn,” says Mabel. “Not the breathalyzer again.”

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  • Warm Milk and Viagra at the Nursing Home

    A man was at the nursing home asking his father how the nursing home is doing. His father told him everyone treats him nice, the food is good, and every evening they get a warm glass of milk and a Viagra pill.

    Outraged, the man jumps on the first orderly he sees and asks him why they are giving his father a Viagra pill with a warm glass of milk at night!

    The orderly explains, “The milk makes them sleepy and the Viagra stops them from rolling out of bed at night.”

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  • The Blue Silk Pajamas and the Fishing Trip

    A man called his wife and said, “Hey darling, great news! My boss invited me on a week-long fishing trip out of town. Big chance for a promotion! Can you pack me enough clothes for the week, set out my rod and tackle box, and… don’t forget my new blue silk pajamas!”

    His wife felt something wasn’t quite right, but being a good wife, she did everything he asked.

    A week later he came home — tired, sunburned, but smiling.

    She asked, “So, how was it? Did you catch anything?”

    He grinned, “Oh yes! Plenty of salmon, some bluegill… even a swordfish! But hey — why didn’t you pack my blue silk pajamas?”

    She smiled sweetly and said, “Oh, I did. They were in your fishing box.”

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  • The Beer CEOs at the Bar

    Four beer company CEOs walk into a bar.

    The CEO of Budweiser orders a Bud Light.

    The CEO of Miller orders a Miller Lite.

    The CEO of Coors orders a Coors Light.

    The CEO of Guinness orders a Coke.

    The other three look at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?”

    The CEO of Guinness says, “Well, I figured if you three weren’t ordering beer, it would be rude if I did.”

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  • Crumpled Dollars and the Garage

    A wife arrives home on her husband’s day off.

    She asks, “Hey Hubby, have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?”

    He says, “Erm… I dunno. Why?”

    She gives him a sexy smile, shakes her cleavage and says, “I wonder what’s in there?”

    Husband smiles, reaches in and pulls out a $20 crumpled note.

    Wife asks, “Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?”

    Husband says, “No I haven’t,” and starts to grin.

    She gives him another sexy smile and pulls up her skirt.

    He reaches into her tight panties and pulls out a crumpled fifty dollar bill and starts breathing heavily.

    “Now,” she says, “have you ever seen $50,000 all crumpled up?”

    “$50,000?! Where do I see that?” he asks, eyes wide open and heavily aroused.

    She says, “Go look in the garage.”

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  • The Wrong Recipient

    My wife sent a message to me:

    “I am leaving you. Sex with you is not what it used to be. This is the end.”

    But I am so lucky — another message from her arrived:

    “Sorry. This message was not for you.”

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  • The Coldest Cabin in Alaska

    Three guys living way up in the far north of Alaska were sitting in their local bar on a brutally cold winter night. They started arguing about whose cabin was the coldest.

    “It’s freezing in mine,” said the first guy.

    “You think that’s cold? Mine’s worse,” said the second.

    “Nope,” said the third guy, “my place is the coldest in the whole state.”

    To settle it, they decided to check each cabin.

    They went to the first guy’s cabin. He said, “Watch this,” and tossed a cup of water into the air. It froze solid before it hit the ground.

    “Pretty cold,” the others admitted.

    “But mine’s still colder.”

    Next, they went to the second cabin. He took a deep breath and exhaled. His breath froze into a little chunk and fell to the floor.

    “Okay… that’s colder,” the first guy said.

    But the third guy still claimed victory.

    Finally, they reached the third guy’s cabin.

    “Alright,” he said, “watch this.”

    He went into the bedroom, pulled back the blankets, and took out a little frozen ball of ice. He set it on a spoon, held a match under it, and warmed it gently.

    As soon as it thawed just enough, it went, “FFFAAAARRRRTTT!”

    He won.

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  • Dave’s Haircut and the Pope

    Dave was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

    He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

    “We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

    “United!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

    “We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

    “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

    “We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

    “That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

    A month later, Dave again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

    “It was wonderful,” explained Dave. “Not only were we on time in one of United’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful young stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They were overbooked too, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

    “Well,” muttered the barber. “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

    “Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke to me.”

    “What did he say?”

    “He said, ‘Where’d you get this shitty haircut?’”

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