Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • How Many Bars Do You Work At

    A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’ve had too much already.”

    The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can’t serve you.”

    The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.

    The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, “I told you, you’re cut off! Get out!”

    The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!”

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  • The 30th Anniversary Dinner

    A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.

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    The wife is absolutely furious. She slams her glass down and screams, “Who the fuck was that?!”

    The husband calmly takes a sip of his wine and says, “Relax, honey. That’s my mistress.”

    “Mistress?!” the wife shrieks. “That is it! I want a divorce, I’m taking the house, the kids, and half of everything you own!”

    The husband shrugs. “Fine, if that’s what you want. But remember, if we divorce, that means no more shopping trips to Paris, no more summer villa in Tuscany, no more Infiniti in the driveway, and no more country club membership. The choice is yours.”

    Just then, they look across the restaurant and see a mutual friend of theirs sitting with a stunning brunette.

    The wife narrows her eyes and asks, “Isn’t that Richard over there? Who is he with?”

    The husband nods. “Oh, that’s his mistress.”

    The wife takes a long sip of her champagne, looks back at her husband, and says, “Well… I must say, ours is much prettier.”

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  • The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had

    After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

    Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”

    And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”

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  • Next Door Neighbor

    My next-door neighbor came over wearing a see-through negligee. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar.

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    Then winked at me and asked to come in for some hot coffee.

    I said, “Fuck off, Dave.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Word Fascinate

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

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    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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  • Three Men Shopping for Christmas Presents

    Three men in the city shopping for wives’ Christmas presents.

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    They agree on two presents each and to meet in the bar after a couple of hours so they can compare their haul. Later in the bar they get their gifts out…

    First man: “I got my wife a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the scarf over it.”

    Second man: “I got my wife a wrist watch and some long gloves, so if she doesn’t like the watch she can pull a glove over it.”

    Third man: “I got my wife some perfume and a dildo, so if she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself.”

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  • The Nudist Colony and the Dropped Cigar

    There’s an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it’s like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins. He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he’s ever had. He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.

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    Later on he’s walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him. The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back. When asked why he says, “I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day.”

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  • A Blonde and Her BMW

    A blonde pulls her BMW into the parking lot of a mechanic’s shop because it was making some racket.

    The mechanic pops open the hood and tinkers around a bit.

    Blonde: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Mechanic: “Ah, just crap in the engine.”

    Blonde: “How often do I have to do that?”

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  • The Scones for the Funeral

    An elderly gentleman is lying on his deathbed in his home, surrounded by his family.

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    Suddenly, he opens his eyes, sniffs the air, and smiles weakly.

    “Ah…” he whispers. “Is that my wife baking her famous warm, fresh scones?”

    His grandson nods softly.

    “Yes, Grandfather. She is in the kitchen right now.”

    The old man uses every ounce of his remaining strength to crawl out of bed, shuffle slowly down the stairs, and make his way into the kitchen.

    He reaches his trembling hand toward a beautifully golden scone cooling on the counter.

    Suddenly, his wife smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon.

    “Don’t touch those,” she says sharply. “They’re for the funeral.”

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