Delivery Style: unexpected twist

  • The Witch Doctor’s Second Opinion

    A sailor on leave in the south Pacific finds that his whoring and carrying on has caught up with him and he’s come down with a horrible venereal disease of some kind. So, he consults the ship’s surgeon and is mortified when the doctor tells him that there’s nothing else for it — the organ must be amputated.

    Desperate for an alternative, he tries consulting local doctors, nurses, medicine men — whoever he can find. Way out in the boonies, he consults a witch doctor on the problem and explains that he desperately wants to avoid the amputation.

    The witch doctor looks at him with a frown and a sigh. “Those western doctors — all they know how to do is cut, cut, cut! There’s no need for that.”

    “So, we don’t have to amputate!?”

    “Not at all. Two… three more weeks and it’ll fall off on its own.”

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  • The Sparrow the Cow and the Cat

    Little sparrow was flying south, running away from winter. Unfortunately it was so cold, that the bird froze and fell onto a pasture. A cow was passing by and took a dump on the bird. Because the turd was warm, it thawed the sparrow and it started feeling better. He sat in the turd, and soon he felt so happy that it started chirping. But a cat was passing nearby, who heard the bird’s song, then pulled it out of the turd and ate it.

    The moral:

    Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

    Not everyone who pulls you out of shit is your friend.

    If you’re in deep shit, don’t tweet about it.

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  • The Bilingual Dog Secretary

    The CEO of a company was in need of a secretary.

    He spread ads all over town. A few days later, there was a knock on his door. It was a dog. He had a newspaper in his mouth. He opened it to the classifieds page and pointed to the ad that the CEO had placed. The CEO was impressed. But he thought it was a joke, so he decided to test the dog:

    “Look, I need a secretary who understands the basics of computers.”

    The dog went to one of the secretary’s desks, climbed on the chair, turned on the computer and the printer in total tranquility.

    The CEO was amazed, but decided to go further:

    “That’s good, but I need a secretary who understands spreadsheets.”

    The dog quickly opened Excel, scanned rows and columns of data and then used pivot tables to create dashboards of charts. The astonished CEO desperately followed:

    “Well, that’s really fantastic, but my secretary must be bilingual!”

    The dog replied: “Meow.”

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  • My Lawyer

    So the boss gets a hot new secretary, and almost immediately they start having an affair. However, within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is performing at work: coming to work late, ignoring phone calls, and so on.

    Finally, he pulls her aside and says, “Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?”

    And the secretary says, “My lawyer.”

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  • He Would Never Use Your Golf Clubs

    A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”

    The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”

    The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”

    “It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”

    “Would he sleep in our bed?”

    “It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”

    “Would he use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”

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  • The Fairy and the 30th Anniversary Wish

    A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.

    Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.

    “Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”

    The wife went first.

    “I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”

    Poof!

    Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.

    Then it was the husband’s turn.

    He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,

    “This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”

    The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.

    The fairy waved her wand.

    Poof!

    Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.

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  • The Easy One

    A prostitute says to a guy, “Hey baby, looking for a good time?” The guy asks, “How much?” She says, “$500.” He agrees.

    They go back to a hotel room, where he immediately heads for the bathroom.

    After waiting for a few minutes she goes to check on him, and finds him furiously jerking off.

    “What the hell are you doing?” she asks. “Don’t you want to have sex?”

    And the guy says, “For $500, do you think I’m gonna let you get the easy one?”

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  • Mistress Hooker and Wife

    What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?

    The mistress says, “Oh honey! More! Deeper!”

    The hooker says, “Come on! Faster! Time to go!”

    The wife says, “Beige! Beige! I’m going to paint the ceiling beige!”

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  • Reliving Our First Date

    I suggested to my wife that we go to the bar separately to relive our first date.

    So I walked over to her and asked, “Hi, can I buy you a drink?”

    She said, “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again!”

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  • The Safari and the Mother-in-Law

    Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.

    One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.

    Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.

    Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.

    Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.

    The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.

    “What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.

    “Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”

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