Anecdotal comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A primary school teacher said to a lady, “Madam, I’m sorry to tell you that in class, your son is copying from his classmate.”
The lady asks, “Why do you say that?”
The teacher replies, “Well, he and his neighbor make the same mistakes.”
The lady says, “Ah, but it may be his classmate is copying from him!”
The teacher replies, “No, because on an assignment they were asked where the island of Montreal is. His classmate wrote, ‘I don’t know,’ and your son wrote, ‘Me neither.’”
A truck driver and his pet parrot were hauling a load of chickens. He stopped to pick up an attractive hitchhiker, swung the door open and asked, “You want a lift?”
“Yes, thank you!” she said and started to climb in when the parrot exclaimed, “Wanna fuck?”
“No!” she answered and the parrot screeched, “No fuck no ride!” and fluttered like crazy, scaring the hitchhiker off.
The truck driver was appalled and told the parrot he should be ashamed of himself and not to let it happen again. The parrot squawked his call of agreement and nodded his head.
Further down the road they happened upon another hitchhiker – this time a musician with a guitar on his back.
The trucker stopped, swung the door open and said, “Howdy, stranger! That sure is a nice guitar. Need a lift?”
“Sure do, thanks, mister,” he answered but once again the parrot screeched, “Wanna fuck? No fuck no ride!” and the trucker sped off, embarrassed and furious at his parrot.
“Damn it, bird! What did I say about this earlier? If you pull that stunt one more time I’m gonna throw you in the back with the chickens!” The parrot squawked, “All right, all right, not again.”
Several miles down the road they saw another hitchhiker and the trucker gave the parrot a stern look but the parrot did the same thing all over again and the trucker had finally had enough.
He threw the parrot in the back with the chickens, convinced the hitchhiker it was all a misunderstanding and to accept his offer for a ride and had a pleasant conversation as they headed down the road.
Just before they reached the next town the trucker noticed a police car, lights on and siren wailing, pulling up beside him and ordering him to pull over.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?” the trucker asked. “I wasn’t speeding, I have all my numbers and my load is secure.”
The trooper yelled, “Secure load? You have a 12-mile trail of chickens being chucked out the back by a parrot yelling ‘No Fuck, No Ride!’”
A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.
The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.
“First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”
She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”
“Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”
“Erm… Yellow, I think?”
“Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”
She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”
The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”
That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.
She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”
A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…
She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.
So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.
As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”
She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”
One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.
His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”
A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.
“Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”
That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.
She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.
Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”
A blind man travels to Texas and checks into a hotel.
When he gets to his room, he feels around and runs his hand across the bed.
“Good grief, this bed is huge!” he says.
The bellhop chuckles and replies, “Sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
Later that evening, the man heads down to the hotel bar.
He climbs onto a tall barstool and orders a beer.
The bartender sets a giant mug in front of him.
The man feels around the glass and says, “Wow, this drink is enormous!”
The bartender laughs and says, “Well sir, everything’s bigger in Texas.”
After a few beers, the man asks where the restroom is.
The bartender says, “Second door on the right.”
The man heads down the hallway but accidentally walks into the third door instead.
Unfortunately, that door leads straight to the hotel swimming pool.
He falls in with a big splash.
A moment later he pops his head above the water, waving his arms wildly and shouting:
“DON’T FLUSH! DON’T FLUSH!”
This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.
A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.
The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.
Two Tennessee rednecks decided they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
Bubba turns to Billy Ray and says, “Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the Community College, and sign up for some classes.”
Billy Ray really doesn’t think very much, but says that he’ll go along for the ride.
The next day, Bubba and Billy Ray go down to the Community College, and Bubba meets the Admissions Counselor. After a short discussion, the Counselor signs Bubba up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.
“Logic?” Bubba says. “What the heck is that?”
Well, the Counselor says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a weedeater?”
“Yeah, I sure do,” says Bubba.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that because you own a weedeater, you must have a yard,” replied the Counselor.
“Hey, that’s really good!” replied Bubba.
The Counselor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also probably own a house.”
Impressed, the redneck said, “That’s amazing, yes, I do have a house!”
“And because you have a house, and a yard, you might also logically have a family,” said the Counselor.
“Hey, this is some good stuff! Yes, I do have a family!” says Bubba.
The Counselor said, “I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yes, I sure do have a wife, her name is Betty Sue,” said Bubba.
The redneck was starting to catch on.
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are probably heterosexual,” said the Counselor.
“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard, figuring all that out ’cause I own a weedeater! I can’t wait to take this logic class!” said Bubba.
The redneck, so proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Billy Ray was waiting.
“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Billy Ray.
“Math, English, History, and Logic!” replied Bubba.
“Logic?” Billy Ray says. “What’s that?”
Bubba says, “I’ll show you. Do you have a weedeater?”
“No.”
Perplexed, Bubba ponders for a moment, then says, “Then you’re homosexual, ain’t ya.”
A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…
“Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”
“Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.
The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”
“Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.
The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”
The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”
The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”
