Format: dialogue

Dialogue comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Infrequently

    An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

    Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of the physical side of their relationship.

    “How do you feel about sex?” he asked, rather tentatively.

    “I would like it infrequently,” she replied.

    The old fellow sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and whispered — “Is that one word, or two?”

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  • If I Had One of Those

    A man in a bar starts talking to a prostitute. He says, “How much for a hand job?” She says it’s $250. He says, “$250 for a lousy hand job? That’s crazy!” She says, “Honey, follow me,” and takes him outside.

    “See that Ferrari? I bought that Ferrari just with money from hand jobs. I give the best in the world.” So he tries it, and it’s great. A week later he’s horny again. He goes back to the bar and asks her about a BJ.

    She says it’s $500. He thinks that’s too much. She says, “Honey, come out back. See that mansion up on the hill? I bought that mansion with money from BJ’s. I do it the best.” So he takes her up on it, and it’s amazing. He’s drained for a month.

    Now obsessed, he goes back. Desperately he says, “I gotta know, how much for the vagina?”

    “Oh honey,” she says, “If I had one of those I’d own this town.”

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  • You Have 5

    Doctor tells the patient, “You have an incurable disease and you don’t have that much time before you die.”

    Patient asks, “How long before I die, doc?”

    Doctor goes, “You have 5…”

    Patient asking frantically, “5 what? 5 years? 5 months? 5 days?!”

    Doctor, “4.”

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  • Bad News and Very Bad News

    A doctor calls his patient and says, “I have some bad news and some very bad news.”

    The patient asks, “What is the bad news?”

    The doctor replies, “Your test results came back and say that you have a fatal condition that will cause your death in 24 hours.”

    The patient says, “That’s terrible! What is the very bad news?”

    The doctor replies, “The results came back yesterday, but I was busy playing golf.”

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  • Normal Condom Or Ribbed One Rib It

    Normal Condom Or Ribbed One Rib It

  • The Mercedes Sight

    An old guy from the countryside visits New York for the first time. He’s never seen so many cars, and he’s never been in one.

    He gets into a cab and starts asking the driver questions.

    “What’s that wheel for?”

    “That’s the steering wheel,” the driver says. “It lets me change direction.” He gives a quick demonstration, turning down a side street.

    “What about that button?”

    “That’s the horn. I use it to warn people.” He honks twice.

    “And what’s that?” the old man asks, pointing at the Mercedes emblem on the hood.

    “That’s a sight,” says the driver, deciding to have some fun. “It helps me aim at the people I want to run over.”

    With that, he lines up a pedestrian crossing the street, speeds up, then swerves at the last second.

    Suddenly… Bang! A loud crash comes from the side of the car.

    “Well,” says the old man, “you’ve got all these fancy gadgets, but you would’ve missed him if I hadn’t opened the door.”

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  • How Warm Is It in There

    My daughter and I were watching Star Wars. She asked why Luke was climbing inside the Tauntaun.

    “To keep warm,” I said.

    She thought about it for a second, then asked, “How warm is it in there?”

    I looked at her and replied, “Lukewarm.”

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  • Dis-Pear

    Magician: “And for my next trick, I will disappear!”

    Magician: *holds pear*

    “You’re the worst fruit ever!”