Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A juggler is driving to his next performance when he gets pulled over by the police.
The officer spots some matches and lighter fluid in the car and asks, “What’s all this for?”
“I’m a juggler,” the man says. “I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
The cop looks skeptical. “Oh yeah? Let’s see it.”
So the juggler gets out of the car and starts expertly juggling flaming torches on the side of the road.
The cop stands by, watching intently.
Meanwhile, a passing couple slows down to watch.
“Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m so glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
Son: “So, Dad… why the heck did Mom kick you out of the house?”
Dad: “Well, Son, it’s crazy, she overheard me on the phone with Uncle Mike talking about running some errands.”
Son: “What errands?”
Dad: “Mike was going to pick up a used car, and I was heading to the store for a tool to strip paint off some furniture.”
Son: “What’s wrong with that? That doesn’t sound so bad…”
Dad: “Yeah… I know, but all your mum heard was, ‘You go get the Escort, I’ll grab the stripper, and we’ll meet at your place.’”
A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he had for a long time.
The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying, “Father, my dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?”
Father Patrick told the farmer, “No, we can’t have services for an animal in the church, but I’ll tell you what, there’s a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?”
Father Patrick replied, “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?”
A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal.
The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”
Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”
“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.
A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.
“Bonnie…” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”
“Oh for Pete’s sake!” exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”
A man is talking to his therapist. “Doc, I feel like I’m wasting my life. All I do is sit around reading fantasy books. Must be my 50th time going through Tolkien. I feel so directionless.”
The therapist tells him, “I would suggest finding a real hobby. One that gets you out of the house. Try it this week and come back.”
The man shrugs. “Well, I guess it’s worth a shot.”
The man goes back the following week and is on cloud nine. “Doc! I took your advice and I’ve had the best week ever. I must have been to a dozen different pubs, I went foraging for mushrooms, and I’ve been on all sorts of adventures.”
“That’s great to hear. What did you do different?”
“Instead of telling you, why don’t I show you?”
The man opens the door and pulls in a little person with shaggy hair, bare feet, and smoking a long wooden pipe.
The therapist is confused. “What does this person have to do with your new hobby?”
There’s a long pause before the man replies, “Ohhh. Did you say get a hobby?”
At the end of a job interview, the head of human resources asks the young engineer fresh out of MIT, “What starting salary were you looking for?”
The engineer decides to shoot for the moon. “I’m thinking in the range of $125,000 a year or so, depending on the benefits package.”
“Hmm,” says the interviewer. “Well, what would you say to five weeks’ vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a retirement fund with company matching to 50 percent of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a Porsche?”
The engineer gasps and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
“Yeah,” replies the interviewer, “but you started it.”
A man is going 85 miles per hour on a motorway when he sees a police car in his mirror.
He thinks for a moment as the officer is getting closer and then floors it, 95… 110… 140… Finally, with the officer still hot on his tail he slows down and pulls over to the roadside.
The officer, obviously on edge, cautiously approaches the car as the man rolls down the window and places his hands out where they can easily be seen.
“You were going a little fast there,” the officer says, “but it is the end of my shift and tonight the boys are coming over, so you have exactly one chance to explain yourself.”
The man, with all the sincerity he could muster, replied, “Sir, round about a year ago my wife left me for a police officer. I tell ya, that nag leaving was the best thing that ever happened to me and I knew it was too good to be true because when I saw your lights in the mirror, I thought you were bringing her back!”
A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.
After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!
Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.
The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!
As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”
The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”
Two elementary school teachers took their students to a racetrack.
During a bathroom break, one of the teachers took the boys to the restroom. Outside, one of the boys yelled, “Ma’am, we can’t reach the urinals!”
Out of options, the teacher went inside and lifted the boys up one by one. When she picked up the fourth boy, she was shocked to see he was incredibly well-endowed for an elementary schooler.
Trying to act natural, she smiled and guessed, “Wow, you must be in third grade, right?”
The guy looked confused and replied, “No, ma’am… I’m the jockey riding the favorite in the next race. Thanks for the lift, though.”
