Setup-punchline comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A contractor wanted to give a politician a sports car. The politician objected saying, “My basic sense of ethics would never permit me to accept a gift like that.”
The contractor said, “I quite understand. Suppose we do this: I’ll sell you the car for ten dollars.”
The politician thought for a minute and said, “In that case I’ll take two.”
And that’s how things are in Congress today!
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”
Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”
At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”
Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”
“Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”
A little boy is in the shower with his mom.
“Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”
She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”
Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”
He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”
Mom freezes. “Oh really?”
Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”
I told a joke on a Zoom meeting and no one laughed.
It turns out I’m not remotely funny.
Why do baby diapers have names like “Luvs”, “Huggies,” and “Pampers,” while undergarments for old people are called “Depends”?
When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv’em, Hug’em and Pamper’em. When old people crap in their pants, it “Depends” on who’s in the will!
A defendant was on trial for murder in Philadelphia.
There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
“But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.”
Answered the jury foreman: “Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t.”
Wife: Hey babe! I have to be honest with you about something.
Husband: Okay?
Wife: So the other night when you went out and you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls, I kind of went a little crazy.
Husband: (alarmed) What have you done?
Wife: I looked through your car and I couldn’t find any hair.
Husband: Of course, you’re not gonna find any hair.
Wife: So, you’re messing with bald bitches now? Is that what we’re into now? You go from one extreme to the next… like bald bitches.
Husband: Aaaaaaaaaaaaah!
A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.
Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.
“Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.
“Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.
“Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”
“Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.
The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”
The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.
And sure enough, there were four floors.
The man raised an eyebrow.
“Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”
The owner asked the question.
The table jumped eleven times.
“That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”
He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.
While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.
“It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”
He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”
The table went wild.
It started bouncing up and down nonstop.
Five minutes passed.
Then ten.
It was still going.
The man stared in disbelief.
“How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.
Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.
Its legs split apart.
And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.
Bill wakes up at home with a huge hangover.
He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Bill looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, and clean. So’s the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”
So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating.
Bill asks, “Son, what happened last night?”
His son says, “Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”
Confused, Bill asks, “So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”
His son replies, “Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said, ‘Lady leave me alone, I’m married!’”
