Format: written

Written comedy formats, jokes, memes, and punchlines organized for easier doom-scrolling from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 13 Signs Youre Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    The Top 13 Signs You’re Taking Your Breakup Too Hard

    13. The tears flow in the produce section as the sight of two perfect cantaloupes bring memories of her flooding back.

    12. You keep calling his old number in the Oval Office, even though you know that new dumb guy always picks up.

    11. You don’t know what you’d do if you didn’t have your dotcom stocks to console y– uh-oh.

    10. You keep mailing her threatening letters because her restraining orders smell like her.

    9. Even your therapist suggests that you “take the manly route of suicide.”

    8. You start writing country songs… and the country is Bosnia.

    7. You ask your pastor if it’s improper to have a funeral for your penis.

    6. You’re too depressed to get out of bed and stalk her.

    5. Keeping a stained dress: Tacky
    Using it to clone an army of SuperPresidents: Creepy

    4. You haven’t returned any of Rupert Murdoch’s calls about appearing on “Who Wants to Catch a Multimillionaire on the Rebound?”

    3. Inspired by a combination of true love and a court order, you’re always just over 50 yards away.

    2. “All your albums are belong to me!”

    1. You cry every time you take a leak, because *she* used to take a leak.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 13 Signs Youre a Slut

    The Top 13 Signs You’re a Slut (R-rated)

    16. AT&T gives you a volume discount for monthly booty calls.

    15. Charlie Sheen keeps spraying you with Lysol.

    14. Your only concern is whether he’s breathing or not, and rigor mortis can waive that requirement.

    13. Kid Rock declines because he considers you “too skanky.”

    12. You had an access-card reader installed in your ass crack.

    11. The city finally broke down and built a freeway exit ramp directly to your driveway.

    10. Your breast “accidentally” pops out on national TV during a halftime show.

    9. Forget dinner and a movie — *you* settle for malt liquor and Polaroids.

    8. Last night, you had sex with the entire band… the New York Philharmonic.

    7. You make weekly lingerie runs to Costco.

    6. During your scheduled OB/GYN appointment, you surprise the doctor by wearing edible panties. With maple syrup poured on them.

    5. Even Cardinal Law won’t cover for you any more.

    4. You’ve X’ed out every square in this month’s Kama Sutra Bingo card. Come to think of it, you actually *invented* Kama Sutra Bingo.

    3. You legally changed your name to Slutty McSlut.

    2. “You had me at ‘Gesundheit!’”

    1. Drive-through customer: “Two cheeseburgers and a vanilla shake.”
    Your response: “You want sex with that?”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 12 Signs Your Ex Is Dating a Convict

    The Top 12 Signs Your Ex is Dating a Convict

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

    12. She calls to ask you the meaning of “conjugal.”

    11. Her new bumper sticker: “Convicts do it for life.”

    10. She proudly says she finally found a man who sleeps in the same bed every night.

    9. She only feels comfortable speaking to you on the phone when you’re on opposite sides of the same window.

    8. Your ex *is* a convict.

    7. Back from custody weekend, little Timmy asks if he can have a steel toilet next to his bed, “just like Uncle Snake!”

    6. You hear her asking the kids if the “screws” at daycare are treating them right.

    5. Your children’s response to why drugs are bad is “they violate your parole.”

    4. You’re spending another weekend with the kids because “Mommy’s visiting the Conjugals.”

    3. She boasts: “He’s a former child TV star!”

    2. Your kids try to guess how many cigarettes their birthday presents are worth.

    1. Her license plate is autographed.

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • FAQ for Women About Men

    The following information was gained through much arduous research involving men and women from all backgrounds and walks of life. It consists of the most frequently asked questions of women (i.e. relationships, sex and life in general). All women who read this are encouraged to use the wisdom contained therein to change their behavior in accordance with the truths established below.

    Q: How do I know if I’m ready for sex?
    A: Ask your boyfriend. He’ll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they’re not as emotionally confused as women. It’s a proven fact.

    Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
    A: YES. Before if possible.

    Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
    A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

    Q: How long should the sex act last?
    A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don’t feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you’ve finished making love, he’ll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, & go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol & sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don’t feel left out – while he’s gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He’ll come back when he’s ready.

    Q: What is “afterplay”?
    A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. “Afterplay” is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

    Q: Does the size of the penis matter?
    A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover’s sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

    Q: What about the female orgasm?
    A: What about it? There’s no such thing. It’s a myth.

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  • Taking Out the Bodies of the Previous Owners

    I really enjoy taking out the trash from my new home. It’s hard to explain, but walking the trash to the curb the night before trash day really makes me feel like a homeowner. Especially now that I’ve taken out the bodies of the previous owners.

  • Chocolate Wins: Eight Delicious Reasons Why

    Reasons why Chocolate is Better than Sex

    1. You can GET chocolate

    2. “If you love me you’ll swallow that” has real meaning with chocolate

    3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft

    4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving

    5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to

    6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother

    7. If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won’t mind

    8. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names

    9. The word “commitment” doesn’t scare off chocolate

    10. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting coworkers

    11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped

    12. You don’t get hairs in your mouth with chocolate

    13. With chocolate there’s no need to fake it

    14. Chocolate doesn’t make you pregnant

    15. You can have chocolate any time of month

    16. Good chocolate is easy to find

    17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle

    18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate

    19. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake

    20. With chocolate size doesn’t matter.

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  • Computer Safety: A Gentleman’s Guide

    1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.

    2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.

    3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).

    4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.

    5. Semen IS electrically conductive!

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  • Sex Life Scored by Guessing Game Results

    Instructions: For each answer, you will have three clues. Try to determine what the object or thing is that is being described. For every correct answer you give, give yourself 2 points, for every incorrect answer deduct 2 points. If you score less than 14 points, you are in need of more sex. If you score between 14 points and 21 points, you are in need of more love. If you score over 21 points, you are classed as having a great sex experience.

    Now please begin.

    “CLUES”

    1. I am a protrusion that comes in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

    2. I’m spread before I’m eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes lick my nuts.

    3. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I’m called a big swinger.

    4. Over 1,000 people went down on me. I wasn’t maiden for long. A big hard thing ripped me open.

    5. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

    6. When I go in I cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole.

    7. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.

    8. All day long, it’s in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me.

    9. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard.

    10. If I miss, I hit your bush. It’s my job to stuff your box. When I come, it’s news.

    11. I offer Protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off.

    12. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

    13. My business is briefs. I am a cunning linguist. I plead and plead for it.

    Answers:

    1. nose
    2. peanut butter
    3. crane
    4. Titanic
    5. tent
    6. dentist
    7. wedding ring
    8. elevator
    9. chewing gum
    10. newspaper boy
    11. glove
    12. arrow
    13. attorney

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  • The Handy Guide to Self-Love Benefits

    Masturbation …a handy subject with many advantages.

    1. you don’t have to look your best

    2. you never have to say “I love you”…promise to mow the lawn… buy flowers/dinner…lie about the size of your hand’s arse etc.

    3. if you use your other hand it feels like someone else

    4. you can use both hands and have and orgy

    5. you don’t have to promise to call in the morning

    6. and as long as you’re careful you’ll never end up with the wet spot.

    7. you can make it last for hours, if you do it a certain way

    8. you can do it wherever there is a public toilet which has a private cubical (ie supermarket, shopping centre, railway station, on a train, etc, etc)

    9. you don’t need to make an appointment in advance

    10. it doesn’t really make you go blind, not unless your hand slides off the end and you poke yourself in the eye.

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