Jokes

A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.

Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

Doctor: Denise.

Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

Doctor: ….Denephew.

A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”

They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.

When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”

The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”

Little Johnny is out riding his bike with his dad through the fields when he sees a bull on top of a cow.

Johnny: “Dad, what’s that bull doing?”
Dad: “Well, the sun’s about to set, Johnny, so the bull is just pushing the cow back into the barn.”

Johnny: “Wow! It’s a good thing Mama held on to the kitchen table yesterday—otherwise the postman would’ve pushed her all the way back to the post office!”

A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.

When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”

That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.

She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”

The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”