Jokes

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the hot tub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the hot bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed, ‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

A woman had a male parrot for a pet, but he always embarrassed her whenever she brought a man home. As soon as she walked in with someone, the parrot would squawk, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

Finally, in desperation, the woman went to her local pet shop and asked the owner for advice.

“You need a female parrot to keep him company,” said the proprietor. “I can order one for you. In the meantime, you can borrow this female owl until she arrives.”

The woman took the owl home and placed it near her parrot. The parrot just stared at the owl in silence.

That night, she brought a gentleman friend back to her apartment. As soon as they walked in, the parrot screeched, “Somebody’s gonna get some tonight! Somebody’s gonna get some tonight!”

The owl blinked and asked, “Who? Who?”

And the parrot shouted, “Not you, you big-eyed bitch!”

Woman: Doctor, I simply don’t know what to do! Every date I go on, at the end, I find myself in bed. I am powerless to refuse any man, and afterwards, I keep feeling like a fool and a slut.

Doctor: That’s no problem, young lady. Just let me prescribe you some pills, and you’ll have no trouble refusing.

Woman: What? No, Doctor, I don’t need that. Could you prescribe me some pills so that I won’t feel like a fool and a slut?

A 22-year-old woman seduces a wealthy 85-year-old man.

She figures, how bad could it be? He’s worth millions — maybe she’ll even marry him. The first night, she’s naked in the bedroom, waiting for him to come out of the bathroom.

The old man walks out with a huge erection, a box of condoms, earplugs, and a clothespin.

“What are those for?!” she yells.

The old man says, “There are two things I can’t stand… the sound of a screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber.”

A guy gets a terrible venereal disease.

Doctor: “Listen, I’ve got bad news, there’s no way we can save your genitals. You’ll need to get them amputated.”

Patient: “I demand a second opinion.”

Doctor 2: “Oh yeah, my colleague is way off base, no need to amputate.”

Patient: “Whew, thank you!”

Doctor 2: “Yeah, if you just wait a few weeks it’ll fall off on its own.”

A husband is talking to his friend about the vacation he and his wife just got back from.

“Hoh, you should have seen this place, it was absolutely gorgeous!” the husband says.

“Where did you go?” the friend asks.

“Well… it had this beautiful beach just outside the hotel, the sand was almost bright white!”

“But what was the place called?”

“Umm… it had a huge swimming pool, and a spa and everything.”

“Yes, but what was the name of the place?”

“Hang on, it’s at the tip of my tongue… something flowery. Name a flower.”

“Rose?”

“No, not rose… something else.”

“Tulip?”

“No, keep going.”

“Lily?”

“Lily! That’s it!” He turns to his wife. “Hey, Lily! What was the name of that place?”

An old Jewish man dies and is waiting in line at the pearly gates.

The line is very long. He says out loud, “Oy, what’s with the holdup? The last time I was in a line this long, it was at Auschwitz. And at least then there was the promise of a shower at the end!”

God appears from the clouds and says, “I do not like that joke.”

The man shrugs and says, “Oy, I guess you just had to be there.”

The president of a major company had three secretaries he wanted to promote, but there was only one position available.
The first secretary was a Stanford graduate who developed a strategy to cut unnecessary spending and increased company profits by 28%.

The second was a single mother of three — kind, warm, and beloved by employees and customers alike. She made everyone feel welcome and valued.

The third was quick-witted, knew the company’s operations inside and out, and could deliver anything needed at a moment’s notice — fast, efficient, and flawless.

After careful and deliberate consideration, the president decided to promote the secretary with the biggest tits.

A man in his late seventies has a wife fifty years younger than him. Every year he goes to his doctor for an body check. One year, he tells his doctor “Hey doc! Look at my wife! Isn’t she pretty? Guess what? I got her pregnant!”

Upon hearing that, the serious doctor looked up from his clipboard. He replied, “You remind me of my friend John, when he was hunting in Africa. He was aiming at a zebra when a leopard starting chasing him. John wanted to grab his rifle, but soon realized that he didn’t have it in his pouch! But the leopard was already a couple meters away from him… so John acted like his fingers were guns… and shouted BAM! BAM! BAM! very loudly… and to John’s surprise… the leopard collapsed… and died!”

The old man replied, “That’s nonsense! Someone else must’ve done it!”

The doctor, with a sly smile on his face, simply responded, “I think so too.”

A blond woman and her boyfriend go to a comedy club to see a ventriloquist. Midway through the show, the comedian starts setting his dummy up for a whole bunch of blond jokes. The woman laughs along at first, but eventually it’s too much for her to take.

“Hey! It was funny for a while but that’s enough! I’m blond, and I don’t like people assuming I’m dumb! It’s not fair!”

The comedian, taken aback, says, “You know what? You’re right. I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying….” She cut him off.

“I wasn’t talking to YOU!”

Two hunters were out in the woods when one of them suddenly collapsed.

The other grabbed his phone, called emergency services, and yelled, “Help! We were out hunting, and I think my buddy’s dead! What do I do?!”

The operator said calmly, “All right, sir. First, make sure he’s dead.”

There was a pause… then two gunshots.

The hunter came back on the line and said, “Okay — now what?”

As the dingy, small restaurant is about to close, a customer rushed through the door and said: “Please, I am starving, I will order anything you have or anything easy to make. Plus a soup.”

The waiter replied: “Sure, we have some rotisserie chicken that we can bring to you, but we are all out of soup.” Pointing to the corner of the restaurant, he said, “That gentleman ordered the last one.”

The last customer then noticed a lone, sad looking man sitting at a small table with his head down, with a full bowl of soup in front of him. After contemplating a bit, he asked in a gentle voice: “Sir, I noticed that you have not eaten your soup. If you don’t mind, may I have it?”

The sad man silently moved the dish with bowl of soup and soup spoon towards the direction of the last customer.

“Thank you, thank you!” the last customer took the soup back to his table and started eagerly eating it… until he noticed the dead rat at bottom of the bowl.

Totally disgusted by what he saw and ate, he vomited violently, back into the bowl. finally, after he calmed down, wiped tears off his eyes and dabbed the corner of his mouth with a napkin, he noticed the sad man looking mournfully at him.

“I know, that’s what I did too.” The sad man said.

A guy moves to the middle of nowhere in Alaska — no towns, no roads, just snow and existential dread.

About a week later, there’s a knock at the door. He opens it to find a man standing there like it’s the most normal thing in the world.

“Hey,” the man says. “I’m your neighbor — I live about fifteen miles away. I’m throwing a party tonight and wanted to invite you.”

The new guy brightens up. “A party? Out here?”

“Yep,” says the neighbor. “There’ll be drinking and fighting…”

“Wow,” the new guy says. “Sounds fun.”

“…and then sex, there will be loads of sex.” the neighbor adds.

The new guy freezes. “Uh — okay. How many people are coming?”

The neighbor smiles. “It’ll just be you and me.”

A wealthy man commissioned an artist to paint a mural depicting General Custer’s last words at the Battle of the Little Bighorn. He told the artist he’d have complete creative freedom on how to present the scene.

Weeks passed, and finally the day came for the man to see the finished mural. He entered the room, full of expectation — and stopped dead in his tracks.

The mural showed a large blue fish with a halo, floating above a horde of Native Americans engaged in wild sex on a hillside below.

“What the hell is this?” the man shouted. “That’s not what I asked for!”

“Oh, but it is,” said the artist. “It captures the true last words of General Custer. I figured they were: ‘Holy mackerel, look at all those fucking Indians!”

A woman was walking past a pet store when she noticed a parrot perched outside on a T-stand. As she went by, the parrot squawked, “You’re ugly!”

Mortified, the woman walked on, hoping it was a one-time thing. But the next day, it happened again — and the day after that too. Finally, she stormed into the shop and complained to the owner.

Furious, the owner scolded the parrot. “If you ever insult that woman again,” he warned, “you’ll regret it.”

The next day, the woman walked by once more. The parrot stared at her silently for a moment… then leaned forward and said, “Hey lady!!! You know…”

After a long, dry sermon, the minister announced that he wished to meet with the church’s board following the close of the service.
The first man to arrive and greet the minister was a total stranger.

“You misunderstood my announcement. This is a meeting of the board members,” explained the minister.

“I know,” said the man, “but if there is anyone here more bored than I am, I’d like to meet him.”

Little Johnny’s mom sits him down before they go visit their neighbor who just had a baby boy.

“Listen to me very carefully,” she says. “The poor baby was born without a chin because of a rare genetic condition. His mother is extremely sensitive about it. If you make even the tiniest comment about his chin, you are grounded for a whole month. Got it?”

Johnny nods obediently.

They arrive, chat for a while, and then Johnny turns to the new mom with a sweet smile and asks:

“When your son grows up, will he move out of the house one day?”

“Yes, of course, hopefully when he goes to college.”

“Will he wash his own bedsheets?”

“Well, who else is going to wash them? Yes.”

“And will he iron them too?”

“Yes, he’ll iron them.”

“And put them away in the closet?”

“Obviously, where else would they go?”

“So, how is he going to fold them?”

An artist needed glasses, but like many artists, she didn’t have health insurance.

An ophthalmologist who admired her work offered a deal: he’d cover the cost of everything except the office visit if she’d paint a mural in his waiting room.

Two weeks later, the artist had her new glasses and spent the weekend painting the mural. On Monday, the doctor and his staff arrived, eager to see what she’d created.

The artist proudly ushered them in. Every wall was covered with eyes — some open, some closed, some long-lashed, in shades of brown, blue, green, and hazel. One even had a single teardrop.

“So,” asked the artist, “what do you think?”

The doctor paused, looked around the room, and said, “I think I’m glad I’m not a gynecologist.”

Three guys were traveling through Saudi Arabia when they accidentally stumbled into a harem tent filled with over a hundred beautiful women.

They started getting friendly with the women when suddenly the Sheik burst in and shouted, “I am the master of all these women! No one else may touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you’ve done. Your punishment will correspond to your profession.”

He turned to the first man and asked, “What do you do for a living?”

“I’m a cop,” the first man said.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!” declared the Sheik.

Next, he turned to the second man. “And you?”

“I’m a fireman.”

“Then we will burn your penis off!”

Finally, the Sheik turned to the third man. “And what do you do for a living?”

The third man grinned and said, “I’m a lollipop salesman.”

A couple of guys are at a bar. The first guy says to his buddy, “My wife just admitted to me that she’s been having an affair with Bob the mailman.”

“What?” says his buddy. “That fat ugly slob I see every morning outside your house?”

“That’s right,” says the first guy.

“Jesus,” says his buddy. “Why would Bob the mailman want to fuck that?”

I went to get a haircut the other day, and the barber kept asking me the same question over and over. As he’s cutting my hair, he says, “So, how’s your mother-in-law doing?”

I shrugged and said, “She’s fine.”

Five minutes later, he asks again, “So, how’s your mother-in-law?”

Now I’m getting annoyed, but I answer, “I told you, she’s fine.”

A few minutes after that, he asks yet again, “So, how is your mother-in-law doing?”

I finally snap: “Dude, I already told you twice—she’s fine! Why do you keep asking about my mother-in-law?”

He chuckles and says, “Oh, don’t worry, it’s not because I actually care. Every time I mention your mother-in-law, your hair stands straight up… and it makes it a lot easier for me to cut it!”