Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    The Top 13 Signs a Cartoon Character Is a Terrorist (Part II)

    13. Maybe it’s the burqas, but there’s something unsettling about Jihad and the Pussycats.

    12. Miss Hannigan is hard of hearing and thinks she has been promised 72 urchins.

    11. You overhear “Eh, what’s up, bin Doc?”

    10. Who else would have masterminded the tainted spinach outbreak last September?

    9. You hear “Arriba! Arriba!” and look up to see an unattended, ticking package where there was nothing a moment before.

    8. Cathy hasn’t packed on as many pounds over the years as you’d think: “Ack! This sweater won’t fit over my suicide belt!”

    7. “I tawt I taw an imperialit devil. I did! I did see an imperialit devil!”

    6. He’s on Al-Jazeera declaring, “Ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdee ubuhdeath to America!”

    5. When that sociopathic, sadistic bitch once again yanks the football away from Charlie Brown, he cuts off her hands then has her stoned to death.

    4. Your interrogators seem to think this Pinocchio character is lying.

    3. “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Duck season!” “Rabbit season!” “Rabbit season!” “DucKA-BOOOOOOOOOOM!”

    2. Seen taking ACME BAT WING flying lessons without learning how to land.

    1. “I will gladly pay you Tuesday for some mustard gas today.”

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  • Daddy Longlegs in Texas

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly, she stopped and stared at the ground.

    He went over and saw she was looking at two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then picked up one foot and stomped them flat.

    “Well,” she said, “that might be okay in California and Massachusetts, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas!”

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  • The Blonde and the Insemination Man

    A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

    One morning, as he heads out to check on the cows, the rancher says:

    “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows. I drove a nail into the 2×4 above the stall of the cow I want bred. Please show him where she is when he gets here.”

    The rancher leaves for the fields.

    A while later, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.

    “I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he says.

    Amy leads him down to the barn and walks along the row of cows. When she sees the nail, she says, “This is the one right here.”

    The man smirks, assuming he’s dealing with a clueless blonde.

    “Tell me,” he says, “how do you know that’s the right cow?”

    “That’s simple,” she replies. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, “And what exactly is the nail for?”

    Amy turns to leave and says over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

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  • The Murphy Twins at the Pub

    Two Irishmen sitting in a pub in Dublin.

    One turns to the other and asks, “Here… do I know you?”

    The second replies, “I was about to ask you the same thing! What school did you go to?”

    The first man replies, “I went to St. Brendan’s from 1954 until 1960.”

    The second man’s eyes widen with surprise. “So did I! I was in class 2!”

    The first man chimes up, “I was in class 2 as well! What part of Dublin are you from?”

    The second man says, “I lived at 16 Foley Street my whole life.”

    The first man excitedly replies, “What are the chances of that? I lived at number 16 Foley Street!”

    And all the while, the poor barman thinks to himself, “I hate it when the Murphy twins get drunk.”

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  • The Irish Man and the Beer at the Bar

    An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him…

    The Chinese man takes a drink, and the Irish man says to him, “Do you know Kung Fu?”

    The Chinese man says, “Why, because I’m Chinese? That’s just racist!”

    The Irish man says, “No, I ask because you’re drinking my beer.”

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  • The Millionaire’s Confession

    A millionaire goes to church to confess.

    The priest asks, “What is your sin, my son?”

    “Father, I am too greedy.”

    “Greed is a grave sin. Here’s what you must do: when you leave the church, give $100 to the first person you see.”

    “What?! $100 to a stranger?”

    “My son, you must do it if you wish to set yourself on the path to righteousness and redemption.”

    The millionaire agrees and leaves the church.

    At first, there’s no one around. Then he walks a bit further and spots a young woman… high heels, short skirt, heavy makeup.

    He approaches her, hands her $100 and says, “Here, take this.”

    She looks at it and says, “No, that’s not enough. I need $300.”

    “$300?! The priest told me I only had to give $100!”

    “Well that’s because the priest is a regular customer…”

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  • The Little Old Lady and the Two Garbage Bags

    A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large garbage bags behind her.

    One of the bags rips, and every so often a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.

    A policeman notices and stops her.

    “Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.”

    “Oh really? Darn,” says the little old lady. “I’d better go back and pick them up. Thanks for telling me.”

    “Hold on a second,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”

    “Oh no,” she says. “You see, my backyard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, fans come and… relieve themselves through the fence into my flower garden.”

    “So I stand behind the fence with hedge clippers. Each time someone does it, I say: $20, or off it comes.”

    The cop laughs. “Well, that seems fair enough. Good luck, ma’am. By the way, what’s in the other bag?”

    “Well, you know,” says the little old lady, “not everybody pays.”

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  • Blossom and Piggy in Dublin

    A priest was walking the streets of Dublin and came upon a little girl walking her dog. The little girl came up to the priest and smiled, so the priest inquired as to her name.

    “Blossom,” said the little girl.

    “Oh Jaysus, what a pretty name. How’d you come to be named that, dear?”

    The little girl replied, “When my mother was pregnant with me she was walking through a park and a single flower blossom was carried by the wind and landed directly at her feet.”

    “Oh, what a sweet story,” the priest beamed. “And what might be the name of your dog?”

    “Piggy,” said the girl.

    “And why was he named that?” asked the priest.

    And the little girl says, “Because he fucks pigs.”

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  • It’s Perfectly Normal

    When my daughters were much younger, I tried to explain to them that it’s perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

    But they still make fun of me.

  • The Tailor and the Terrible Headaches

    Fred had been suffering from terrible headaches for over twenty years. Finally, he went to see a specialist. After a long examination, the doctor said:

    “Fred, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is… it will require castration. You have a rare condition where your testicles press against your spine, causing severe headaches. Removing them is the only way to relieve the pressure.”

    Fred was stunned and devastated, but after years of pain, he agreed to the surgery.

    When he left the hospital, he felt strange and incomplete — but for the first time in decades, he had no headache. As he walked down the street, he decided he needed a fresh start. A new life. Maybe even a new wardrobe.

    He passed a men’s clothing store and thought, why not?

    He walked in and told the salesman, “I’d like a new suit.”

    The elderly tailor looked him over and said, “You’re a size 44 long.”

    Fred laughed. “That’s right. How did you know?”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor said.

    Fred tried on the suit — it fit perfectly.

    “How about a shirt?” the tailor asked.

    Fred nodded, and the tailor studied him again. “34 sleeve, 16½ neck.”

    “Amazing,” Fred said. “Exactly right.”

    “Been in the business sixty years,” the tailor replied.

    After trying on the perfect shirt, Fred walked around the store feeling better already. Then the tailor asked, “How about some new underwear?”

    “Sure,” Fred said.

    The tailor looked him over and said, “Size 36.”

    Fred laughed loudly. “Got you there! I’ve worn size 34 since I was eighteen.”

    The tailor shook his head and said:

    “You can’t wear size 34. Size 34 would press your testicles right up against the base of your spine… and give you one terrible headache.”

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