Joke Type: anecdotal

Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Doctor Had Both His Hands on My Shoulders

    A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor.

    The doctor examined him and explained: “I’m going to give you some suppositories. I’ll insert one now, and then I’ll give you another one for later this evening.”

    Later that evening, the man asks his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks,

    “Aahhhhh!”

    “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?” she asks.

    “No… I just realised that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders!”

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  • What the Hell Is a Pinata

    Al and Joe are bungee jumping one day.

    Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don’t have it there.”

    Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

    They travel to Mexico and begin setting up in the square. As they construct the tower, a crowd assembles. More and more people gather to watch.

    When they finish, the crowd is so large they decide to give a demonstration.

    Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices cuts and scratches.

    Joe fails to catch him. Al falls again, bounces, and comes up bruised and bleeding. Joe misses him again.

    Al falls once more and bounces back up, this time badly injured with broken bones and nearly unconscious. Joe finally catches him and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”

    Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a piñata?”

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  • That Lion Got Himself Into This Mess

    A hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law.

    One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone.

    In a state of worry, she awakens her husband, and they both set off to find the old woman.

    Suddenly, they break into a clearing, and there’s the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

    “Quick, darling,” the wife shouts frantically, “Do something!”

    “Oh, no,” the husband says, “That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!”

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  • I Thought Ye Said a Protestant

    An Irish daughter left home for 5 years and returns.

    When she returns, her Father curses her badly.

    “Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?”

    The girl, crying, replied, “Dad… I became a prostitute.”

    “Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You’re a disgrace to this Catholic family.”

    “OK, Dad… as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that’s parked outside plus a membership to the country club… (takes a breath) …and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera.”

    “What was it ye said ye had become?”, says Dad.

    Girl, crying again, “A prostitute, Daddy!”

    “Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!”

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  • Easy Peasy Lemons Queasy

    A pea, a lemon, and a potato were leaving a bar at the top of a very steep hill after a long night.

    The pea, feeling quite energetic, shouted, “Lads! We’re all round—let’s just roll home!” and immediately shot down the hill.

    The lemon wobbled after him, but his oval shape made him list violently from side to side, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. The potato followed behind, trundling along slowly.

    When the potato finally reached the bottom, he found the lemon leaning against a lamp post, looking very pale and clearly sick. The pea, however, was already jumping up and down. “That was brilliant! Let’s do it again!”

    The potato looked at the lemon, then back at the pea, and said: “Easy peasy, lemon’s queasy.”

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  • I Have a Gun and I Know How to Use It

    An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”

    The four men didn’t wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn’t stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.

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  • Im William the Little Bastards Name Is Kevin

    A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. The child is screaming for sweets, biscuits, and all sorts of things. The grandad says in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long… easy, boy.”

    Another outburst, and she hears him calmly say, “It’s okay, William. Just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

    At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Grandad says again, “William, relax, buddy. Don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William.”

    Impressed, she approaches the grandfather outside as he loads his groceries and the boy into the car. “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. You kept your composure the whole time, calmly saying things would be okay no matter how loud and disruptive he got. William is very lucky to have you as his grandad.”

    “Thanks,” says the grandpa. “But I’m William. The little bastard’s name is Kevin.”

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  • The Babysitter Has a Sponge Too

    A little boy is in the shower with his mom.

    “Mom, what’s that hairy thing in between your legs?”

    She says, “That? Oh, that’s my sponge.”

    Boy goes, “Ohhh okay, makes sense.”

    He pauses and smiles, “Yeah, the babysitter has one too.”

    Mom freezes. “Oh really?”

    Boy: “Yep. I’ve seen her using it to wash Dad’s face.”

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  • Wheres the Girl With the Rotten Tooth

    A retired salesman named Pete gets stranded after his fishing boat capsizes in the Pacific.

    After wandering for days, he stumbles onto a small island community whose longtime mayor has just passed away.

    The town’s old preacher tells Pete that since he’s the first newcomer they’ve seen in years, he has to pass three challenges to be accepted as the new leader.

    “Alright,” Pete says, brushing off his shirt, “just tell me what I’ve gotta do.”

    The preacher walks him over to three little beach shacks and explains the rules.

    “In the first shack, there are ten gallons of our homemade moonshine, and you have to drink every drop.”

    “In the second shack, there’s a mean old gator with a rotten tooth, and you have to pull it out.”

    “In the third shack, there’s the former mayor’s daughter, and you have to satisfy her completely.”

    Pete nods and heads straight into the first shack.

    Three hours later, he staggers out, swaying like a palm tree in a hurricane, and marches toward the second shack.

    The preacher asks if he’d like to lie down for a spell, but Pete waves him off and disappears inside.

    After a long stretch of growling, crashing, and splashing, Pete finally stumbles back out, scratched up, muddy, and bleeding.

    He squints at the preacher and slurs, “Alright… now where’s the girl with the rotten tooth?”

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  • The Jumping Table

    A man walked into a small-town antique store looking for a dining table.

    Right away, he spotted the perfect one and asked the owner how much it cost.

    “Two thousand dollars,” the owner said.

    “Two thousand? That’s outrageous!” the man replied.

    “Normally I’d agree,” said the owner, “but this isn’t an ordinary table. It has special powers.”

    “Special powers? Prove it,” the man said.

    The owner leaned over the table and asked, “How many floors are in this building?”

    The table suddenly hopped into the air four times.

    And sure enough, there were four floors.

    The man raised an eyebrow.

    “Alright,” he said, “ask it how much cash I’ve got in my wallet.”

    The owner asked the question.

    The table jumped eleven times.

    “That’s amazing!” the man said. “I’ve got two five-dollar bills and a single. That’s eleven dollars exactly. I’ll take it.”

    He paid the two thousand dollars, and the table was delivered the next day.

    While it was being set up, his buddy stopped by to see the new purchase.

    “It’s not just a table,” the man said proudly. “Watch this.”

    He cleared his throat and asked, “How much money does my wife have in her bank account?”

    The table went wild.

    It started bouncing up and down nonstop.

    Five minutes passed.

    Then ten.

    It was still going.

    The man stared in disbelief.

    “How on earth does she have that much money?” he muttered.

    Suddenly, the table gave one last violent jump.

    Its legs split apart.

    And the drawers dropped straight to the floor.

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