Joke Type: anecdotal
Anecdotal jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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The Egg Timer
This morning, my wife was in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. As I walked in, she turned to me and said, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!” My eyes lit up and I thought, “This is my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I didn’t waste any time at all — I gave her a banging right on the kitchen table!
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove.
More than a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She giggled, “The egg timer’s broken.”
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The Donkey Clock
An American man visiting Mexico finds his wristwatch has stopped working. He’s got a flight to catch in a few hours, so he tries to ask a local the time but doesn’t know the language. Finally he meets an old Mexican man sitting next to a donkey who speaks English. “Excuse me, Señor, but do you know the time?” the American asks.
The old man reaches up and grabs the donkey’s balls. He twists them to the left, then he moves them to the right, then he lifts them up. “Sí, Señor, it’s 2:20,” he replies.
The American stands there for a moment, flabbergasted. Then he replies, “Gracias, Señor,” and walks away pondering what he just witnessed.
A short time passes and the American wants to see the old man’s trick again, so he asks him the time. The old man again grabs the donkey’s balls — he twists them left, then moves them right, then lifts them up. “It’s 2:45,” the old man replies.
“How in the hell are you doing that? How do you tell the time with donkey balls?” says the American.
The old man replies, “You see, Señor, I twist them left, I turn them right, then I lift them so I can see that clock over there.”
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Show Him Your Badge
A DEA officer stopped at our farm yesterday.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.
I replied, “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”
The DEA officer exploded. “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!”
Reaching into his back pocket, he pulled out his badge and shoved it in my face.
“See this fucking badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked, no answers given! Do I make myself clear? Do you understand?”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to my chores.
A short time later, I heard loud screams. I looked up and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by my big old mean bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like the officer would get gored before he made it to safety.
So I threw down my tools, ran to the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“Your badge! Show him your fucking badge!”
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I Set My WiFi Password to 24446666668888888 – I Tell Them It’s 12345678
True story:
I set my wifi password to 24446666668888888. This way when somebody asks for my password I tell them it’s: 12345678 😂😂😂😂
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HR Says I’m No Longer Allowed to Answer the Phone With For Fuck Sake What Now
MF FairyPrincessSmoo @Smooheed
HR says I’m no longer allowed to answer the phone with “for fuck sake, what now”
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Gotta Get Wisdom Teeth Out – Why? Gotta Make Room for More Dicks?
siouxchiefsouschef @legitwidget
overheard one kid at the Mall of America tell his friends he had to get his wisdom teeth out and his friend says “why? gotta make room for more dicks?” and wow insults have really come a long way since I was a kid
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The Deer
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me…
“How do you know it was on its way to work?”
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Banging This Hot Chick on Her Kitchen Table – Quick Try the Backdoor
I was banging this hot chick on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open
She said “it’s my husband! Quick, try the backdoor!”
Thinking back, I really should have ran but you don’t get offers like that every day.
