I don’t always whoomp.
But when I do, there it is.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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I Would Like to Do It Again
My wife hasn’t spoken to me in 3 days and I have no idea what I did.
Which is fucked up, because I would like to do it again.
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Painted It Black So It Would Run Faster
I just bought a new laptop and painted it black so it would run faster…
Instead, it just stopped working and stole all my data…
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She Really Means Well
My wife just yelled that I should “fall in a pit or hole sunk into the earth filled with water and die.”
I know she really means well.
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Consumed by His Own Pride
Did you hear about the arrogant lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride.
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Everything Before That Was a Blur
One of my earliest childhood memories was visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.
Everything before that was a blur.
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Just Stationery
I can’t figure out why my paper airplane won’t take off…
I guess it’s just stationery.
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Don’t Your Ears Ever Get Cold
Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says, “Honey, my hands are freezing!”
She says, “Well, put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”
After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”
Again she says, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.
After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.”
She looks at him and sighs, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”
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Let’s Pretend We’re Married
A man and a woman who had never met before but were both married to other people found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”
“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”
“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.
“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
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You’ll Get Used to It
My wife and I went to Subway for lunch. She ordered us a footlong to split. I told her 6″ wasn’t enough.
She replied, “You’ll get used to it!”
