Did you hear about the two gay Irish men? They are a perfect match.
Patrick Fitzhenry and Henry Fitzpatrick.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Sexual Consultant
A redneck tells his buddy, “Hey, I just got a promotion! I’m the boss’s sexual consultant.”
His buddy says, “Sexual consultant? How did you get that job?”
And the redneck says, “I told the boss he should fire Jones in accounting. And the boss said, ‘When I want your fucking advice, I’ll ask for it.’”
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The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye
A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.
When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.
Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”
Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.
By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.
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I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
I just paid $35 for a 2 mile taxi ride to the laundromat. I feel like I’ve been taken to the cleaners.
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Silver-Haired Lady and the Jigsaw Puzzle
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, “Please come over and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Her neighbor asks, “What’s it supposed to be when it’s finished?”
“According to the picture on the box,” she replies, “it’s a rooster.”
The neighbor decides to help. He comes over, and she shows him the puzzle pieces spread all over the kitchen table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, looks at the box, then back at the table.
Finally, he smiles, gently takes her hand, and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re never going to turn these pieces into a rooster.”
“Second, let’s make ourselves a nice cup of tea…”
“…and then we’ll put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.”
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90-Year-Old at His Check-Up
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 90-year-old said things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 23-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?
The doctor considered his question for a moment and then began. I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water’s edge.
He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he would not be able to shoot the magnificent creature but, out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was his favorite hunting rifle and went “bang, bang”. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?
The 90-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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One Shot of Tequila Won’t Hurt
“Fuck it, one shot of tequila won’t hurt”
3 hours later:
Man Kicked Out Of McDonalds For Putting His Dick In A Burger And Yelling “THIS IS REAL MEAT, YOU FUCKERS!”
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I Fucking Loved That Cat
My Chinese neighbours had waffles for breakfast.
Bastards I fucking loved that cat.
