Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Perfect Woman

    A very handsome man decided it was his duty to marry the perfect woman so they could have unbelievably beautiful children. So he set out on a mission to find her.

    Before long, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters — absolutely gorgeous. The man explained his mission to the farmer and asked permission to court one of them.

    The farmer said, “Well, they’ve all been hoping to get married. Look ’em over and take your pick.”

    So the man dated the first daughter. The next day, the farmer asked how it went.

    “Well,” the man said, “she’s wonderful… but she’s just the tiniest bit — and you’d hardly notice — pigeon-toed.”

    The farmer nodded and suggested the man try the second daughter.

    So he did. The next day, the farmer asked again.

    “Well,” the man said, “she’s great too… but she’s just the slightest bit — again, hardly noticeable — cross-eyed.”

    The farmer nodded. “Well, give the third girl a chance.”

    The man went out with her, and the very next morning he came rushing back, excited.

    “She’s perfect!” he said. “Absolutely perfect. She’s the one!”

    So they got married right away, and a few months later, the baby was born.

    The man rushed down to the nursery — and nearly fainted. The child was… well… not exactly the beautiful baby he expected.

    Panicked, he ran to his father-in-law. “How could this happen? With two parents as good-looking as we are?”

    The farmer sighed and said, “Well… she was just the teeniest bit — you could hardly tell… already pregnant when you met her.”

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  • Is the Coast Clear

    A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM.

    The wife picks up the phone and replies, “How am I supposed to know? We’re 200 miles inland!” and hangs up.

    Her husband rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”

    “I don’t know, some dumb blonde asking if the coast is clear.”

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  • How About Now

    My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

    I replied, “No.”

    She responded, “How about now?”

  • As Hot Today as 50 Years Ago

    Old lady says to her husband, “My nipples are as hot today as they were 50 years ago.”

    Her husband says, “They ought to be. One is in coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”

  • The Irishman and the Ten Pint Bet

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and shouts, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers! I’ll put down $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints back-to-back!”

    The entire pub goes silent. Nobody moves.

    Then one Irishman quietly stands up and walks straight out the door.

    About 30 minutes later, he returns, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, “That bet still good?”

    “Sure is!” the Texan says.

    The bartender lines up ten pints — full glasses from one end of the bar to the other.

    Without a blink, the Irishman downs all 10 pints in a row and slams the last one down like a champion.

    The bar erupts with cheers. The Texan pays the $500 — totally stunned.

    He asks, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you run off to for that half hour?”

    The Irishman grins, “Oh, I just popped down to the pub around the corner to see if I could do it first.”

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  • Only 40,000 Miles Now

    A woman wanted to sell her car but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked how many miles were on the car.

    “235,000,” she said.

    Her friend told her that was the problem but said her brother was a mechanic who could roll the mileage back to whatever she wanted.

    So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to set it to 40,000.

    Two days later, her friend asked if she had sold the car now that the mileage had been lowered.

    The woman replied, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it now!”

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  • Before the Crowbar Was Invented

    True fact:

    Before the crowbar was invented…
    …most crows drank at home.

  • Words at the Funeral

    A man asked a widow if he could say a word at her husband’s funeral.

    “Certainly,” she replied.

    He stood up and said, “Plethora.”

    The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that means a lot.”

    Another man stood up and said, “Bargain.”

    The widow replied, “Thanks, that means a great deal.”

    Yet another stood up and said, “Earth.”

    “Thanks,” she said. “That means the world.”

    Another man stood and said, “Infinity.”

    The widow smiled and replied, “Thanks, that means more than you can imagine.”

    Yet another stood up and said, “Retirement.”

    The widow said, “Thanks, my husband would have loved that.”

    Finally, one man simply held up a sprig of Mentha spicata.

    The widow smiled and said, “Thanks, that’s a lovely scent of mint.”

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  • The Right Guy

    I asked some girl if she was interested in experiencing the best sex in her life.

    “No!” she quickly replies.

    “Then you’re lucky because you’re talking to the right guy,” I said.

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  • Started to See a Little

    I said to my wife, “I want to marry another woman.” Just to see her reaction.

    On the first day, I saw nothing. Then on the second day, I still saw nothing. On the third day, I started to see a little with my left eye.