I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
They really didn’t like it when I spilled the beans.
Joke Type: bait and switch
Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.
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Keep Dreaming Buddy
Called my boss this morning, asked him if I could come in late today because I’m super tired. He said, “Keep dreaming buddy.”
Which was super nice and unexpected of him.
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Well I’m Here Now
A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.
KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”
KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”
KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”
The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”
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Absolute Game Changer
I’ve recently switched from eating venison to eating pheasant.
Absolute game changer.
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The Nudist Colony and the Dropped Cigar
There’s an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it’s like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins. He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he’s ever had. He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.
Later on he’s walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him. The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back. When asked why he says, “I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day.”
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A Blonde and Her BMW
A blonde pulls her BMW into the parking lot of a mechanic’s shop because it was making some racket.
The mechanic pops open the hood and tinkers around a bit.
Blonde: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”
Mechanic: “Ah, just crap in the engine.”
Blonde: “How often do I have to do that?”
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Wouldnt Watch That If I Were You
look what I found in my mother’s room
Aye man, I wouldn’t watch that if I were you
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The Scones for the Funeral
An elderly gentleman is lying on his deathbed in his home, surrounded by his family.
Suddenly, he opens his eyes, sniffs the air, and smiles weakly.
“Ah…” he whispers. “Is that my wife baking her famous warm, fresh scones?”
His grandson nods softly.
“Yes, Grandfather. She is in the kitchen right now.”
The old man uses every ounce of his remaining strength to crawl out of bed, shuffle slowly down the stairs, and make his way into the kitchen.
He reaches his trembling hand toward a beautifully golden scone cooling on the counter.
Suddenly, his wife smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon.
“Don’t touch those,” she says sharply. “They’re for the funeral.”
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The Deaf Mute Parents
A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.
As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.
After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.
The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.
At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”
“No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”
“Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.
The man can’t believe her casual response.
“Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”
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Her Mum Died Too
A blonde goes to work in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”
