Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • Everywhere I Touch

    A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

    “Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”

    The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

    Everywhere she touched made her scream.

    The doctor said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?”

    “Well, no,” she said, “I’m actually a blonde.”

    “I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

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  • My first girlfriend never stopped counting, so I broke up with her.

    My first girlfriend never stopped counting, so I broke up with her.

    I wonder what she’s up to?

  • Can I Come Over

    I was in Walmart using the restroom when, just as I closed the stall door, a voice from the next stall said:

    “Hey! How’s it going over there?”

    Embarrassed, I replied, “Not bad, thanks.”

    The voice asked, “Cool. What are you up to?”

    I said, “Umm… just trying to take care of a little private business over here.”

    Then the voice asked, “Alright. Can I come over?”

    Shocked, I replied, “Excuse me?!”

    Then I heard, “Listen, I’ll have to call you back. Some idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions.”

    I stayed in the stall until he left.

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  • It’s a Boy

    It was 10 years ago today my best mate James came running out of the room shouting, “It’s a boy!” with tears streaming down his face.

    We never went back to Thailand.

  • The Unfaithful Wife

    A man goes to the therapist and says…

    “Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.

    She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”

    The therapist says:

    “Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”

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  • Waiting at the Bottom of the Bridge

    A beautiful woman was upset with her life, and about to throw herself off a bridge.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Before she worked up the courage to make that final leap, an obscenely hideous, creepy, stinky homeless chud of a man approached. He got quite near to her and shouted, “WHAT’N THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She replied, “Get away from me, I’ve had it with this life and I’m going to die while I still have my dignity.” He says, “YOU AUGHTA LET ME BE THE LAST GUY TO FUCK YOU BEFORE YOU DIE.” She recoiled in horror and responded, “There is absolutely no way that will be my last act on this earth, now leave me in peace!” He says, “OKAY LADY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I’LL JUST GO WAIT FOR YOU AT THE BOTTOM DOWN THERE.”

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  • Exchanging Blows

    How do two gay guys settle an argument?

    They step outside and exchange blows.

  • Nipple Piercing at the Bar

    Some lady got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night, and on a semi-related note, I suck at darts.

  • Walking Home From the Local in Belfast

    A man was walking home from his local in Belfast when he felt something prod in his back and a voice whisper in his ear, “Tell me. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He gulped and said nothing.

    The voice angrily whispered, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    The man shat himself a little and thought, it’s fifty fifty if I live if I tell the truth or lie.

    The thing in his back was pushed harder, the voice now much louder, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant!?”

    In a very quiet voice the man says, “I’m a Jewish boy” and the voice behind him says, “I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight!”

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  • What Do You Do With a Six-Foot Asshole

    A state trooper pulls over a doctor for speeding.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The trooper walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The doctor replies, “No, officer.”

    The trooper starts writing the ticket and, trying to make conversation, asks, “So, what do you do for a living?” The doctor says, “I’m a proctologist.” The trooper asks, “What’s a proctologist?” The doctor smiles and says, “I stretch assholes.”

    The trooper looks puzzled. “You can actually stretch one?”

    “Certainly,” says the doctor. “I can stretch one from about six inches all the way to six feet.”

    The trooper asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

    The doctor replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him beside the highway.”

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