Joke Type: bait and switch

Bait and switch jokes, punchlines, setups, and comedy bits from Chaotic Meh — sorted for people who know exactly what kind of bad idea they want.

  • The Unfaithful Wife

    A man goes to the therapist and says…

    “Doctor, you got to help me. My wife is unfaithful to me. Every night, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up a man.

    She sleeps with anybody who asks her. I can’t take this anymore!”

    The therapist says:

    “Relax. Take a deep breath, sit down, and tell me exactly, where’s Larry’s bar?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Waiting at the Bottom of the Bridge

    A beautiful woman was upset with her life, and about to throw herself off a bridge.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Before she worked up the courage to make that final leap, an obscenely hideous, creepy, stinky homeless chud of a man approached. He got quite near to her and shouted, “WHAT’N THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?” She replied, “Get away from me, I’ve had it with this life and I’m going to die while I still have my dignity.” He says, “YOU AUGHTA LET ME BE THE LAST GUY TO FUCK YOU BEFORE YOU DIE.” She recoiled in horror and responded, “There is absolutely no way that will be my last act on this earth, now leave me in peace!” He says, “OKAY LADY, HAVE IT YOUR WAY. I’LL JUST GO WAIT FOR YOU AT THE BOTTOM DOWN THERE.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Exchanging Blows

    How do two gay guys settle an argument?

    They step outside and exchange blows.

  • Nipple Piercing at the Bar

    Some lady got her nipple pierced right in front of me at the bar last night, and on a semi-related note, I suck at darts.

  • Walking Home From the Local in Belfast

    A man was walking home from his local in Belfast when he felt something prod in his back and a voice whisper in his ear, “Tell me. Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He gulped and said nothing.

    The voice angrily whispered, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant?”

    The man shat himself a little and thought, it’s fifty fifty if I live if I tell the truth or lie.

    The thing in his back was pushed harder, the voice now much louder, “Tell me! Are you Catholic or Protestant!?”

    In a very quiet voice the man says, “I’m a Jewish boy” and the voice behind him says, “I must be the luckiest Arab in Belfast tonight!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • What Do You Do With a Six-Foot Asshole

    A state trooper pulls over a doctor for speeding.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The trooper walks up to the window and says, “Do you know how fast you were going?” The doctor replies, “No, officer.”

    The trooper starts writing the ticket and, trying to make conversation, asks, “So, what do you do for a living?” The doctor says, “I’m a proctologist.” The trooper asks, “What’s a proctologist?” The doctor smiles and says, “I stretch assholes.”

    The trooper looks puzzled. “You can actually stretch one?”

    “Certainly,” says the doctor. “I can stretch one from about six inches all the way to six feet.”

    The trooper asks, “What do you do with a six-foot asshole?”

    The doctor replies, “You give him a radar gun and park him beside the highway.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • So They Don’t Poke Your Eye Out

    Why are pubic hairs curly?

    So they don’t poke your eye out.

  • I Don’t Want Them Fucking Your Mother

    A son takes his elderly father to the doctor.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor says, “I’m sorry, sir, but the outlook is grim. You have a rare form of cancer and you’ll be dead in a year.”

    As they’re driving home, the father says, “You know, I’m not depressed. I’ve lived 75 great years. Tonight let’s go out and celebrate my good, long life!”

    That night they’re at the bar and the father is surrounded by all of his friends and he says, “Yup, I’ve got AIDS. I’ll be dead in a year.”

    At the end of the night, the son is driving his father home. He says, “Pop, you’ve got cancer. Why did you tell all your buddies you have AIDS?”

    “Because after I’m dead, I don’t want them fucking your mother.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • You Need to Stop Masturbating

    A man goes to the doctor after not having been for over a decade.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The doctor walks into the examination room and says, “Alright, before we start the physical, I have the results of some of your preliminary blood work that I’d like to discuss — first off, you need to stop smoking.”

    The man says, “Why? I can breathe fine.” And the doctor says, “Maybe, but your blood work is showing some signs of heart disease and smoking is going to make that worse. Now also, you’ll need to stop drinking.”

    The man says, “Oh come on, doc, drinking with my buddies is my favorite thing!” And the doctor says, “That may be so, but your blood work is showing some potential liver damage, so you’ll need to quit. Now then, we can begin the examination.”

    The doctor pulls out his stethoscope and puts it on the man’s chest. He abruptly pulls it away and says, “You need to stop masturbating.”

    The man gets fed up and says, “Doc, come on! I can’t drink — sure, I get it. I can’t smoke — yeah, smoking’s bad for you. But what could masturbating be doing to my health?!”

    The doctor replies, “It’s not doing anything bad for your health. I’m just trying to examine you.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • We’ve Been Lucky So Far

    Little Johnny and Sophia are only 12 years old, but they know they are madly in love.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Sophia’s father to ask him for her hand.

    Johnny bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Scaduto, me and Sophia are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

    Thinking that this was the cutest thing ever, Mr. Scaduto replies, “Well, Johnny, you are only 12. Where will you two live?”

    Without a moment’s hesitation, Johnny replies, “In Sophia’s room. It’s a lot bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

    Mr. Scaduto says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Sophia.”

    Again, Johnny instantly replies, “Our allowances. Sophia makes $10 a week and I make $15 a week. Together that’s about $100 a month, so I figure that should do us just fine.”

    Mr. Scaduto is duly impressed that Johnny has put so much thought into this.

    “Well, Johnny, it sounds like you’ve got everything figured out. I just have one final question. What will you do if the two of you should happen to have little children of your own?”

    Johnny shrugs and says, “Hey, we’ve been lucky so far!”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail